The Eyeing Experiment

I have to think of something better to do about it.

Today I came back home totally stressed from the streets. I could hardly bare it. I felt like people were looking away infinitely, and I would never again get out of this misery.
I know that, at least it seems that some really grew up like that, somehow... looking away, in ignorance, but I have also noticed people which I am sure have not grown up like this at all, and they were looking away as well! How sad it was to see them do it! It seemed to me like they were copying this very agressive cold power thing. Its powerful, to look away in ignorance, as if to say: pff, not worth it. I know some people have not grown up like that, but once they spend some time here, you find them copying this street power behavior.
But I did it as well! What awfulness. It was a reflection, I swear! I couldn't believe it. How awful.

Katrin, who grew up here, says people are busy with their own lives, and work. And that in the street, they are just forced to pass through all the other strangers, and its totally not interesting for them. Just their own life is interesting to them. She said also that this is typical of a big city. But then she remembers how different was the experience in the streets of Madrid? Barcelona? in Spain. There people really smiled, and looked. When she was back it was a bit of a shocking difference for her too.
Katrin also says she feels different than me in the streets here, it changes for her. In the summer its different, she says. In the middle of the day, and not in the rush hours its different. And it seems like she does get some looks. And besides, she doesnt really think negatively of this. People are busy, and preoccupied. Thats all. Thats what she says.
But I get so worried and stressed about my looks, I tell her. This is probably something european. I start describing to her how a lot of people dress up back in Israel.

Was looking for a picture too long. Here is the best so far:



This is actually pretty good. Not that much bad things to say about it. I couldn't find anything better.

Anyway, I don't know anymore if that's really any reason.

Yafit said that she had to do something about a similar problem in Florence when she lived there. Her solution was to break the rules of the usual appearance in public. She found very special things to wear, and she walked very proudly in the streets with her breaking special look. She called some of her style "vintage" (regular simple tank tops from Israel), and she took care to be tanned by the sun as much as possible. In the winter she wore a great fur coat. And she walked with very feminine shoes, that had heals that made lots of sound but almost with no height. Now back in Israel, and after a lot of things happening, and lots of changes in her looks, Yafit has to change her looks once more. She desires to have now for example lots of shoes, like a teenager.

I remember Dana once saying something about how back where we came from each of us was able to be special, and now in Berlin, everyone is special, so no one is special anymore. This is how I understood it. Now Dana, who has literally a ton of clothes and shoes, understands that there is something not good enough about her looks and that ton of cloths anymore. She plans on making a market day at her home, and invite all her friends to sell her stuff so she could buy a new ton. She got me a new winter hat, which is the one thing that completes my winter look (it matches my coat, and scarf and other cold weather accessories (shoes, gloves etc.)), which makes me feel calm about the way I look when I am covered with everything. I look ok, I dont have to worry about that anymore.

So far this is whats going on: Dana, Yafit and I all need a change of clothes, all need to fix the look. I just don't know how I'm going to do it. It takes so much energy, and I don't like to go so much into looks, but this is very necessary. Otherwise, I just feel neglected and poor (in all the possible meanings). I have never in my life felt a need to fix my looks so strong as I do now. But I have no experience at all. Therefore I need to spend even more energy than D and Y, add the fact that I am slow. this is not going to work. I just need to fix something well and easily and simply, and then just forget about it. But I need to do it.