Becoming Vered Nethe

Sleepless Nights

2012-02-14T16:23:00.002-08:00

Going into the film just because the audience is so preppy-hipster after a whole day of going crazy like a sardine grown in a farming pool
and not being able to escape comparing itself to the others in the dense population.
Not being able to escape feeling lower from some, and higher from others.
always trying to reach the moment where he (the sardine) doesn't need to worry. Look at all those souls, look.

Gee, this crowd is driving me crazy. I can never get it fully in my life-time. They seem so strong.

...

Getting the idea of going up to the front and asking someone to take a picture of me with the audience behind. Why? Is it me gegen the rest? Is it just a challenge to get rid of fearing them? That is only in my mind? What would I do with it anyway? Is the monster there?

To The Student

2012-02-14T14:55:00.002-08:00

Hallo,

I hope you find this post. As I gave you the name of this blog, it felt so pathetic to me. Also the guy sitting next to you seemed to be already fed up with the idea of people writing because they feel like it, and since nothing here is professional then it totally could be a waste of time. Nothing is clear, and its hard to construct in this hectic way of writing. But to me it is everything. It has its patheic-ness, and its true dive into thought. Personal, but the kind of personal that doesn't believe in personalizing. Or staying in the personal. Thats a wish, and I have my mind on doing everything to mix between personal and all of us and all of whatever. I wonder if I am trying hard enough. Insecurity is a very close friend of mine. Its so sticky too.

Maybe its just that I hardly ever am able to quit reflecting on things, its hard to keep things quite and take a break.

So I suggest not taking things personally here, and seeing what this restless person's feelings catch and throw back out there.

Alles Gute zu dir.

Vered

to a young creative person

2011-09-03T16:57:00.000-07:00

the only thing i fear if we are going to live together, is that you think you are better than me. i hate to feel that, so lets stop it.

letter to t (for when he will be 20) a part in the middle

2011-08-08T13:57:00.000-07:00

hey.
I am watching the news. live from london. riots and mainly burning of shops and looting. our times. or our times when you are 5. Its monday, and i picked you up today. i just sent your mother an email saying i sympathise with the tough day she went through. she was very up-set today. you made her late for work. you told me about it. here are the main highlights that i got from you during the day: as i picked you up, it took you longer than usual to join me. or react to me telling you that we are going. but of-course that was no big deal. then after that you were going to get to the play ground before me and gretti. you were going with a friend from your after school place, but anyway, you were more eager than usual to stay away, and decide on whats happening without consulting... signs of you wanting to be independent. and not dependent. then you played football for the rest of the afternoon, and when it started raining, you wouldnt listen to me telling you we have to go because your sister cant stay out in the rain. well, fine, it hardly rained in the end, so that was no big deal in the end either. it was - oh the man interviewed on the news just said: "look, in london there are many toys. and those kids want more toys" dicipline is what he is talking about next, authority, restrain. "we are facing a moral problem" says he.
You were not gonna listen to me. i guess i could have threatened you by just simply starting to leave, but like i said it really hardly rained, and it was no big deal. was it on the way back that you mentioned a story on the news where a man shot and killed his wife - oh wait. now they are mentioning that this is having to do with the arab uprisings, and the quickness in-which youth is getting organized and realize the . what on earth is happening in london. in haiti there was looting, because of lack of food.
"crime is not about need, its about greed."... "...you've got valuables, so youre in danger." (of the kids, which will get your valuables) another opinion on Al Jazeera news. need, greed, valuables.
and now after looking for that murder story you mentioned, i wonder how much you understood, and how much i understood from what you were telling me. haha.
well, in the news i just read they say that a man shot and killed the mother and sister of his wife. but not his wife. i had understood from you that it was his wife. and you told me that she didnt want to be with him anymore, right? that she didnt love him, and then he killed her/ her mother and sister. so you just mentioned that story.
another highlight of the day was when i told you it was time to leave, and that you had 5 minutes left to play football with the big kids, you asked me if we could go together to buy you star-wars cards. you said you had 7 euros, and i razed my eye-brow to myself. then we have to go right now, i said. wait, you said, with no explanation, and continued to play. but i had a feeling that you were planning to come soon, because the words "star-wars cards" and "7 euros" seemed to be way too exciting for you to give up on them. after 2 min. you made a goal. I was shocked. you had to make that last goal before going. and you really did it fast. and this was a game with the big boys. and i dont think they were so easygoing with you. i mean, they were not all big, some were also your age, from your after school place, but there were other ones too. from the way it seemed to me, it was more or less a "real" game. i was watching you with your sister before a bit on the side. the game even got her attention. it looked like the other boys were not that eager to hand you the ball when you were out in the open yelling "hier! hier!" for the ball. you were not even yelling, you were squeaking. no, you werent given the ball. they didnt trust you. you didnt seem to run after the ball either, not as much as the others. but. you were, from what i saw, one of the few who actually made goals. i think you even helped in making a goal, and was conscious about that. So i greeted you with my astonishment and compliments as you left the game triumphantly. you told me again about the 7 euros and your wish to buy those cards, and asked if we could do it. i said that we can see if it works out with our time, and that i cannot promise it. you agreed. we left. we got home, went upstairs. you opened the door with the bear keys by yourself for the first time with me at least. you came to me with a 5 euro bill and asked me if i had 2 more to make it 7 so that you could buy 7 star-wars card packets. why 7? 5 is already a lot. i said. wierd. wierd i told you. then i said that i would have to ask your mother for those 2 euros back when she came back. yes. you said. so there wont be a problem to ask your mom to give me back 2 euros then, i said. no problem. and i saw on your face that you were convinced. wierd i said. and thought, ok, they had some kind of arrangement and they let him buy 7 packets all at once for some reason that seemed good to them. weird. then we did it, i gave your sister a bit of dry bread to chew on and we left. i gave you 2 euros at the kiosk to make it 7 and thats it. you got 7 star-wars cards packets. we head back home. So when was it that you told me that your mom was late for work? what did you mention first, that she cryed? your mom cried this morning. why did she cry? because she was late for work. why was she late for work? because we had a fight. you had a fight with your mom? yes, about my "zustimmung".. this translates to "approval" in english, but in the context you were using it, it seemed as though you want to decide for your-self, or you wont approve on your mother not approving on something you want. you have to listen to your mom, i said. she is doing everything for you. i know your mom. your mom was very very upset and frustrated today. and we had a talk. and it made us have to try to think about the situation. because those 7 euros were promised to be given to you but for the whole week, and your mother didnt know where you got the 5 euro bill from, and this whole thing about a 5 year old theo that is wanting to have his own money and buy himself things. today the streets of london are burning, and hundreds of older kids are breaking into shops and stealing what they want to have. clothes for the girls and alcohol drinks for the boys. your mom said you said that she and your dad dont love you because they don't get you what you want. then, she told me, your father went with plastic bottles to have a real fight with you in your garden. with the plastic bottles.

*****

2011-08-04T07:28:00.000-07:00

No more words and no more friends.
Like a diamond in the sky.
twinkle, twinkle.

Letter to Diego written right after his "Concerning the New" performance in May 8th at Sowieso Berlin

2011-05-11T05:03:00.000-07:00

Being smart. „i cant talk to you“. first of all this reminds me of what you think of david. David is not super smart. He is not so much smarter than others, well at least than me (i allow myself to think like that). (He knows more of the right things to know probably). This is only having to do with respecting. I could care less about david, because i feel he cant easily talk to you outside of this position he is in which is this kind of power position that comes much more with confidence than with intelligence. Of course he is smart too. You actually do something similar. To me david is in the „entertain me“ kind of position. And i really dont know if he knows another place. So you keep having to be witty with him. Keep up with his wittiness. I try to get things through this way with him.. i dont know if i could really reach some kind of level that could get more communication with him.. but he wants friends, and people to be with him and not against him.
I called you „little boy“ after the performance because to me you were playing around with the audience at the „discussion after the performance“. You seemed like you even played with yourself. Maybe because you are the only one there in the place where you are now. The place of your thoughts, and the place of your confidence, or the being free... in all of that you are the only one that has your level. (thats how it seemed to me) So how can you communicate? Or what can you do in the world? I loved that one recording where you kept saying baaaaa, baaaaaa... the true goat. You were your best there. The level of the goat, which is rightfully free-er than most of the people. Beautiful.
The problem or tragic thing for me is that you reach this place without sharing it on the same level with others.(better say you show it in the way you do which is with this game) Maybe you cant, maybe they cant. The issue of respect again. And you know, again this has to do with what you want. I like it better that you want to be in your world, than your want for some kind of pseudo power position, that could even hurt. No. I prefer the pseudo power position than the first option. (I just want you to stop running around playing catch all the time, for just a bit, so we could have a bit of a talk. But this is the worst to say to a child: stop running around.)
Your game „discussion at the end of the performance“ was provoking again. Damn it. i will try the best i can to level with you and talk with you about it when we can. i feel like one of those stupid audience people that fell in some kind of trap of wittiness. You know, the kind that doesnt know how to laugh along with the joke, but gets red and upset and wants to yell at someone, or get up and leave in protest and becomes ridiculed for doing so. This is where david is less smart and more putting himself in the power position of the „entertain me“ (david is a teenager): that girl that had said those things at the first performance and left like that... he put her in a frame. He framed her. To me, its about knowing something about what we think – we: you, him, me and maybe a few others that are in on this.... we could „agree“ that what she said was „wonderful“ to us... teenager.

I am for sure less intelligent, for sure less confident. Ridiculous.

facebook comment 6

2011-05-07T07:35:00.000-07:00

I forget things in places where I want to stay.

like this

2011-04-16T04:42:00.001-07:00

More.

I’m almost done for the day… one last Bewerbung, and I’ll go to sleep.

I think that there is something wrong. Anyway you look away to some other place. I have this weird feeling that its possible to have much more resonance around us. But even though we do have common friends, that come from my side or from your side.. there is some limit to all of them towards us. Some I can relate with better and you have some kind of more limited relationship to, and others seem to be able to relate better to you than to me.
Inside I shout, because I believe that its possible to reach that other level. But I shout because things keep moving apart and away from this. Just like the way your eyes look away.

Again I ask, and need clarity about what you want. This hovering relationship, not calm. Isn’t it weird that we get to really truly cooperate in thoughts so seldom? (last time was when we talked about love in your work) And I think that that is one of the most important things to do when its possible. Less updating your profile. That’s the kind of real help. I need

Here this is what I thought a few days ago: going out of one-man thinking, a real interest in all the ideas, that they will be able to work out, and that there won’t be a situation where an idea is ignored, but understood.

Now I’m thinking even of that project you made with Anna in that village.

My thoughts and ideas are being ignored a lot. They are either being “liked” and praised or just remain abandoned. This doesn’t interest me so much. I guess that I can go further into singularly thinking, because that’s also thinking. But I think really that the kind of help that I have in mind is this ability to be there and do something to ideas and thoughts together. I do feel, very strongly, that it is shameful not to do this when it is possible. I can do it with yoryo, but there is a bit of a unclear goal there too, but I can, and I try to get it to happen. I can do it with farzad too, but there are also other small but understandable problems – no time mainly. And I can do it with you. But there is hysteria around you. And many are the times that thoughts are being skipped and ignored by you.

So this is it. I think I try to bring up thoughts to find any way to expose them to you, and if not directly, then in the form of a story that I publicly publish, knowing that

Look. I’m not stopping- to do something about relating here. Should i?

You and me walking down the street, we see a ball, and we start kicking it around, laughing. After a short while, you lose interest. Lose interest. What do I do with a ball that was left from such a nice playing around? I play alone, but I lose interest. Lose sense. I only keep a look out to see if the playing around could happen again. Oh well. This is not such a nice feeling.

Writing Bewerbungen is improving my German.

Hugs.

facebook comment 4

2011-03-29T03:37:00.000-07:00

the desire for esoterism

the good way of esoterising

meaningful esoterism

acceptable opinions/ what's better than your own life

2011-03-28T09:34:00.000-07:00

did you ever experience the feeling that everything with you is ok? that you are just fine, and that you are completely acceptable? what a threat, right? but i felt it for a day and a half once. i'm convinced i did. I never had to prove myself again. its really surprising how it gets you to drop all your toughest opinions. no sense for all that at all.

facebook comment 3

2011-03-24T08:14:00.000-07:00

we know whats going to happen.

facebook comment 2

2011-03-22T18:16:00.000-07:00

I think israel is jealous of the attention the arab world is receiving without her. i had to make myself be very apathetic to write this comment.

facebook comment

2011-03-22T13:21:00.000-07:00

stop being so cool, you look great.

simplifying things

2011-03-21T14:41:00.000-07:00

i can't
why can't you?
i don't know, or I don't care.

i don't care
why don't you care?

[long pause]

Israeli oranges

2011-03-20T19:43:00.000-07:00

which language

2011-03-17T05:08:00.000-07:00

to hit a person in Hebrew is not the same as hitting a person in another language.

in Israel you call them clementina

2011-03-13T17:19:00.000-07:00

eating israeli (Jaffa) clementine (tangerine).
trying to smell the israeli air, water, soil and sun off of the peal before and as i peal it. Wondering if I'd be smelling the salty wind from the Mediterranean coast line, or the salty wind from the more desert southern in-land.. wondering if it absorbed in it something out of the hands of israeli people, or even if hebrew went through it.. well, now i am imagining the Thai workers, and their hands and their words passing through the fruit.
oh, how does an israli clementine smell like? is this it? is this the smell i know so well? yes, i think so, not so sour.. some not very distinctive and not very edgy citrus scent, as well as weak citrus bitterness combined with some more unclear halfway-there citrus flower perfume. this is it. and of course- the famous easy pealing. its unbelievably easy. it makes me think of the qualities that these people in israel set on the table to improve this fruit: make it so easy to peal, that the dreaded pealing chore will become such fun and last so short that you'll have to peal another one so as not to end your clementine experience before at least a bit of the appetite that it evoked is filled. Another quality that the heads of the israeli clementine industry set was, not surprising - the level of its sweetness. which as I am tasting, is very high. almost cocacola high level of sweetness. and you know that this is manufactured sweetness because it has no relationship to the sourness in the fruit. One may find that in a great clementine, that usually doesnt have a human friendly peal, the sweetness and the sourness come together, its almost impossible to make a distinction between them.. they are one rich and complex taste. Not in the israeli ones, in those it almost feels as though sugar was injected into them.
next, after lamely being able to trace simplistic human strategic market moves (make it easy to peal and make it super sweet, oh and other strategic clementine market moves- make it easy to separate the segments, NO SEEDS, make it in an attractive size and color) is the part where i start to realize that my very own father is in this clementine. so buying one in the supermarket, is buying something my father was actually involved in. (his job has to do with taking care of agricultural products by helping them grow to become the desired products, in Liddor, a chemical company)

oh father,father, are you in there? can i smell you? can i perceive you in the clementine? is this the way our relationship is heading towards?

people have other important things to do

2011-03-10T15:02:00.000-08:00

people have other important things to do. but meanwhile, what catches their attention?

wait a sec. Isn't that a Marie Antoinette sort of thing to say? What is the relationship between Marie Antoinette and love? There was love at the hip(ster) cafe today. those ridiculous different sized disposable transparent plastic containers with different cool variations of salad in them, placed in a glass vitrine with a glass vitrine door with a door knob, so that the costumer can take the desired salad.. they had love. i swear. it was not easy to see, but i'm sure they had it. I saw someone take one of those salad containers; he had to push another salad container back in place since he wanted the one that was behind it.

our abilities, our desires. i am tired of using these words all the time. but, not minding that for a moment - they (the abilities and desires) are reflected in those salad containers.

and one may find love in abilities and desires, right? it that it? the relationship with love? i think that the direction its taking is just off or something, like a misunderstanding, like Marie Antoinette? this all cheaply thought of.

We are all gods.

2011-03-10T13:48:00.000-08:00

Among the fields of gold. (Sting)

Once upon a time when I was 16 I used to dance myself to sleep listening to this song. I really tried to get into it every night, holding my favorite fluffy doll, which was a lion. (his name was Leo). He was my lover. We danced on the fields of gold. Gold. Lion. Sun. Dried out straw fields on low hills that stretch out beyond the horizon.. invisible light that you can feel streaming everywhere, from your fingers for example, in countless directions and strengths, following you or directing you, you can’t tell, and it doesn’t matter, but it’s continuously precise, anything.

Its about that incredible energy that comes to you.. I guess its mostly connected with being in-love..

But now I’m bored. Bored again. How could I write about my latest insights when I’m bored? The understanding that we are all gods. I want to write about that.

Lets try to start from another point. My wish for everything to be equal. Well, that’s not it. My wish that there won’t be competition.. or fight.. I guess that’s not it either. But maybe it is? I mean these things can lead to suffering, right? Well. This (my wish for non-violence) then just means that I am a hypocrite. And probably the worst kind of violence.

Dead end. Lets try to start again from yet another point. The skirt that I’m wearing today for example. Its quite old, but the kids that I met today while I was picking up 5 year old Theo from the kindergarten, really reacted to it. One girl just took part of the edge of the skirt to her hand to look closely at it, and to feel it. (the edge is a soft corduroy dark turquoise strip of cloth.)

Dead end again. Hmm. What about writing about the kind of conversation I had with Theo today? Today was a nervous day. Outside it seemed like a storm was coming, stressful wind… noisy clouds.. I was a bit edgy too, and Theo’s baby sister was kind of moody, and finally lost her patience. I drank a large glass of P.Berg’s Latte Macchiato, and had on a big smile as I came to the playground where everyone from Theo’s kindergarten was. They are not at all used to see me happy, and attentive towards them. Although I occasionally am happy and attentive, these people don’t know me that way, and their reaction was one of confusion. Funny. What were Theo and I talking about on our way back home? I remember talking about food, because Theo was hungry. I gave him some nuts and raisins, and told him that I like to eat things that are good for you. I also told him how I thought that for a kid his age, to want to eat a lot of things that are good for you is a great thing. Then later we reached his house. His parents got married this week. They did that so they could have a reason to go on a trip to the Canary Islands. The trip would go under being their honeymoon. Very clever. I asked Theo about his parents wedding, and he didn’t want to talk about it at all. His mother tried to get him to say something, and said – remember? Daddy and I were king and queen.. the child rejected the conversation, and I was wondering if he actually didn’t like that wedding at all. What else? This is a direction that is not helping so much. Not this way.. but it could. I know it.. how can I reach that amazing understanding that we are all gods? There are more interesting things here.. but things are coming to an end now. I’ll just quickly mention that Theo and I speak mostly about football and war. Oh yeah, war. That’s what we talked about on our way back home. Theo said that all the people in those lands where there is a war or fights, they are coming to germany. That’s what he said. What a subject to run into with him. How could I keep it going? How do I direct him to meditate just a bit on this? This is not easy with him. You may say that he is just 5 years old, but I think that there are other kids his age that can start to do this. I know also that he does meditate on things in his own way. And I’m sure that he will be able to do this more in the future, or with other people.. but still – how can I leave him with this half moralistic half nationalistic and possessive direction of perceiving this? This closed way of stating this factually? What do you say David? That it is so, right? That Theo is right, right? That he should understand it the way he is simply. I don’t want to go to moralistic directions of meditating about this at all but I suffocate when things are dealt with in such a blocked manner. I told him I was one of those people who left their countries because of wars.. because in Deutschland there are no fights.. later I tried to tell him the news about Palestinian football. That today for the first time they had an international match with another country. Thailand.. I tried to explain with my bad german – they were not allowed to play (official) football matches with other countries… Theo said something that I didn’t understand well.. I nodded my head.

We are all gods.

stuck or slow or too sensitive? its just the agonizing boredom

2011-03-08T03:29:00.000-08:00

What to do what to do………!!!!

(I mean, how do I get things going. I mean, I am so stuck, I have no clue.)

I am trying to clean up here.. I suddenly feel I don’t like the decisions I made in the space here. But I keep failing to pick things up. I take forever and then I start getting hungry, and the I start feeling too tired, and then, I am left without money, and then I grow older.

My time is different than the time of the world, and of my body. I take things much much slower. Or does it only feel like this because of some other un-balanced hidden reason?

who wants to calm down? Produce!

2011-03-08T00:50:00.001-08:00

Isn't it unbelievable that you can get so inspired by someone, but then that person hardly understands what you see? Amazing. Its also awful. How can you get out of this sweet nightmare.

Produce! Attack! Produce!

more visions

2011-03-05T18:43:00.000-08:00

Since when do people singularly leave their country just because they don't like it? where do they move to, anyway? Some people from europe (ones who are not jewish)came to live their lives in israel and visa versa...the same with other places.

Ho Moledet sheli...
הו מולדת שלי
לא אשכח
אני שלך, אני שלך.
לא אחשוב יותר
אחיי בתור בורג
במולדתי.

oh my homeland
I wont forget you
i am yours, i am yours.
i wont think again
i'll live as a screw*
in my homeland.

*(the friendly kind of screw, the one without the pointy end, kind and helpful)

Iam to be pitied. I take very little responsibility. Also about myself. but where am i? All these body parts... i have to take care of them.

I come from the world of hebrew. Here, i am just an alien.
no, wait, i came into the world of hebrew from another background.. but also not really.

stupid life of society slaps.

"you can stay here forever." Dogukan Karakus

2011-03-05T08:36:00.000-08:00

Hello Vered,
I've not had internet at home that's why I couldn't answer you quickly.
I've read your fascinating text and now I'm thinking about. The big Problem is in the Industrie Countries that the people always think themselves. For example: If one Person has a bread and he or she always thinks to eat alone whole bread, will still have the population suchlike issues.
If he/she can think in a day to share the bread for a two pieces and to give one other person then will be this world a paradise. That is why I always give much value to share what I have with the other Persons, although I don't have lot of things but If I have a bread I can eat the half of bread und give other part for you so that we both will not feeling hungry ;) It is better than If I eat all and you not any.

...

Machs gut...
Mit freundlichen Grüßen
Dogukan

you can stay here forever.

2011-03-04T16:41:00.001-08:00

People who are in a situation where they don't have the money to pay rent.. to buy food.. in Berlin..and everything is dropping into bad trouble, because its not like you're just on an island trying to survive out of what you find, no, you get tons of negative energy from others that reject you instantly (for showing lessness), and you reject as well (you reject them back for showing moreness).. you use the same street as the one another man is using, a man that you dont know, one that can tell that you have a good enough home to go back to, and knows that you can eat well enough, and you can go and buy a coffee-to-go if you want to. And why do you get the horrible feeling that there are different levels and shapes to this situation? Why does it keep repeating? this feeling? why is this earth survival island so full of these unpleasant realities that keep slapping you in the face throughout your miserable or wonderful good enough life? we who want to be slapped are slapped, the ones that have houses and the ones who don't. There are those who don't want to get slapped though. Sounds better, right? in the condition that this not wanting to be slapped stays in the style of that island situation where you're just finding your way around life there...and what then, other people are trees? perhaps..

My friend, my real friend, the one that I believe in.. that I care about, appreciate and love, you are welcome to stay here in my place, forever. (this is inspired by an incredible friend that welcomed me to stay in their place forever.)

its time again to put something down in writing

2011-03-04T09:02:00.000-08:00

the picture of whats around.. neglected mess in my house and in my body, english al jazeera live news channel in the background. its my favorite music. just about to pass a week of hysteria about the condition of my bank account. mainly talking it out with friends and sending out hysterical emails about it to everyone. I know that there are friends that are in a worse situation than the one I have now, and they are not desperately shouting out to all to hear in such childish helplessness. like a baby that someone unintentionally stepped on his lollipop, and is crying like Everything is ruined for him, point. Besides this I do have a lot on my mind.. a lot of amateur thoughts that i wanted to share like- what is happening? in life? what is happening in the relationship between people? the problem of boredom, attention, giving and receiving, finding interest, inspiration and what all of this have to do with love.... undemocratic relationships with people and things.. blindness.. truly seeing what you want to see. Truly. and stupidly paying the consequences...

Albert Einstein didn't like one of his theories about the behavior of space, and I believe that he wanted another theory instead of that one, but now its been discovered that he was right. i wrote the last sentence they way i did because i'd like to think that he is right.

So now what..

2011-02-22T15:55:00.000-08:00

So, if I could choose, what would i choose? Do I have to learn not to fall in love, or what? What is the next lesson? to be independent. to be free. Does falling in love have anything to do with falling into such dependency?
Maybe its only my kind of falling in love.
What am I doing wrong? this way is a painful way, isn't it. is it the common super dramatic love story? the kind that makes your first lover want to commit suicide while the second makes you want to do that?

i could. i could settle for something "less".

what bullshit. just dramatic bullshit.

less means less freedom, less understanding, more blooming- but in which direction? Oh Lord, in which direction. Let us continue with messed up aggressive ideas and say - the animal direction. But thats not me, I dont believe in this way of perceiving things. not in this way of using the word animal.

My glowing is quite low in the animal world. The eat or be eaten world. and a naive, or a first thought on the matter is that to shine there, or in other words to not be dimmed-down there - you better find a way to really not be a part of it. How? oh dear Lord, how. How shall one be not touched by these things? Thats what the monks always wanted to find out, right? To understand that.. god. live god.

and what if i do believe in getting all dirty in this world? despair, getting crushes on people, go with the flow of another's attraction to you, of a terrible attraction with a person that doesn't get your very basic do's and dont's, suffer, ache, wounds, jealousy, aggression, hate, the need to push, to be violent.

so this is it - i am - mostly - one of those people who hate pushing - i hate pushing more than suffering the consequences. (of being pushed, or of loosing opportunities)

this is not a very good survival trait. I blame it on my low blood pressure - the one that keeps my vitality level quite low.

הלך עלי

wait, i forgot to add - with all my misery, I walk around Alexander Platz Station, and I helplessly see tons of others that feel this way, and worse.

My love to diego ("Diego Chamy")

2011-02-18T19:53:00.000-08:00

No one creates in me the urge to cry so hard as he does. No one makes me feel so much ache and the feeling of loss so deep. the loss of everything. So deep, a void (I cry facing the void, haha.. come, lets hear the echo). I never felt so unattractive and weirdly attractive at the same time. My "natural" tendency to suffer the notion of being unwanted and rejected never reached such odd places. What love, what love. Love takes a lot of time. I dont know how to choose between wanting to be closer or needing to go farther away, discover what i can on my own. Neither is completely possible. You dont know it, but this is a great love.

As for me, I dont dare say a word about it.

letter to diego: .

2011-02-12T16:18:00.000-08:00

Dear diego.

David G. wished me to find my muse - and miraculously it appeared. I am now feeling desperately inspired. Almost by anything. Ecstatically excited. Is something wrong with my nervous system that it takes me on these rollercoaster rides, or what? I sat at a studentish café place that looks like it had been designed from wall color to the espresso maschine to the muffins and the amazingly wide variety of glass bottled naturally colored and sweetened bio mineral waters - for people to sit there with their laptops; and a free hip magazine for Berlin’s fresh parents with super intellectual-sweet pictures and illustrations got me wanting to paint it… I had different ideas. Maybe I can just write them down instead of producing them:

1) paint every page of the magazine

2) paint every page of the magazine with exciting inventions that come up to me during the gaze-paint process.

3) make sketches of the pages. Maybe also with exciting inventions…

And give them. Give, give, give.

4) make it digital. Although digital visual stuff still feel like they need something extra to give a special feeling. (*hmm, is this the best choise?)

Then I moved to the wonderful Turkish café where you can pay for a small side dish of freshly cut slices of tomato and cucumber and a glass of black tea, and is open till late and where there is great space for a sort of looking-at-life-straight-in-the-eye-and-with-your-head-held-with-presence-up-high loose feeling that I, and probably also you like.

And looking at the crowd here.. the groups of Turkish speaking muslim young girls half of them wearing the head scarf and half don’t, and seeing the duplicated dance between young lovers, that have marriage and children in their minds- I started to think of wanting to paint them too. Paint this, and paint that. Paint the beauty, the shiny… cant think of other more interesting actions I can do other than paint it. See it, paint it, next. But I love what you do so much. I wish I could shake myself more, and make greater leaps in the air, and do something more unexpected. Nothing other than to think about these things and put it down in words, can I do.

What irresponsibility.

having trouble becoming mature

2011-02-08T16:28:00.000-08:00

Is there such a thing as Maturity?

where you understand your position in the world, and you can decide what's worthwhile and helpful for everyone and not just yourself? And there is no illusion about the interest of everyone. You really listen humbly to them. because you understand what you are in the world and that providing yourself
that what is good for you is just a tool
or what is good or bad for you are tools.

people that take care of themselves.

people that find a way, any way to care for themselves.

people that believe in certain history lessons, as the guide for the best way to live - caring this way about everyone. believing without listening to anything.

i dont read. i am practically illiterate. the things that i can digest are very simplistic.

what is thinking, when you live on simplistic understandings?

and you have simplistic emotional problems like loneliness, jealousy, insecurity?

and when you dont do much to improve your living conditions because you're not sure about, if in order to do that, you will have to make selfish actions? so you don't make up your mind about it, because its too much for you to figure out.

but you still accept to receive support if it comes to you, without questioning it.. because you understand that its normal to be selfish and careless in the world, and it can help you live.

no strength to understand all of this.

names for this-

lefty (because it feels nicer) in denial

weak

lazy

hypocrite

coward

I hate insecurity.

Germany - the big messed up tidy bully with its own selfish emotions and arbitrary morals that the people here praise..

2011-02-06T08:44:00.000-08:00

dear diego,

saw the movie, and thought you ( and i) shouldnt be affraid to lose our rights in germany...do you think that keeping contact with a lawyer would help?...andy did his things in the world of america... (or the empire of the world)… where he was born, and grew up. Here its much more challenging. maybe finding a way to reach some larger audience here would help you feel a bit better.. germany makes you feel like this, but maybe its stupid.. living in a bullied situation- under threats.. what does it do to you to live like that?

I become submissive or stupid and risky, but you are really aware of the situation, and still its no good, because it affects you anyways.

Egypt shouting. Does it not matter to the west because they already passed this revolutionary point?

What is selfishness, and its relationship with the hustler style protectiveness of the certain group?

Egypt

this is also written with boredom.

I’m also kind of.

2011-02-03T11:26:00.000-08:00

I think I gave up on love. I think so. I’m too bitter. There is nothing I can do about it. I try getting away from it, I try also to confront it and to prove it wrong. Its boring. Yes, my hopes are quite low.
Ok, other thoughts. Egypt. People saying they are fed up with the way their lives are being lived, making a loud roar, understanding that they can at least force the leader out, and that they can make a mess, make their own country, using the rests of the old one. This versus other people that understand the complexity of things, of the management of a country, security, order, management, history and culture, values, meanings, customs. Handling things.
So who cares about the last things? You got it- I don’t. I don’t care about management of a country, security, order, management, history and culture, values, meanings, customs and handling things. But I live now in one of the countries that I think care about those things the most… No, but really maybe I do care about some of these things. The complexity of things. I like the complexity of things, I like to respect that..but anyway I guess nothing is really clean, and that’s what the people that are fed up with things are fed up with..right? Probably being simplistic one way or another here, but I’m a bit impatient.
You know what? I think that my hopes are low, because I’m not in love. And because no one is really in love with me either. This is not being sorry for myself, it’s just what there is. I’m also kind of.

life is...

2011-01-31T13:25:00.000-08:00

My life is death now.
I feel like I've been given a gift.
My grandma keeps asking - are you happy?
are you satisfied? while giving me her yearly allowance.

No, the gift is not the money.
The gift is my life. - to live..
to have the chance to live this life
and do - with what I have, and with what they can help me with - whatever I think could be best.

but my life is death now.
is death egoist?
I mean - I'm not interested in things.
I don't care so much.
Isn't that egoistic?

people are passionate about
certain things- their rights,
the dangers, the readiness
they could be in when facing
someone with the wrong idea
about what they represent.

I am also supposed to represent
something.

me too, me too...

but I..., I..., I lost all
sense in that.
for myself.

but those people that think
that I represent them
they worry. Because they
think that I will mis-represent
them. That I am making
the wrong impression.
They are truly angry
at the fact that I
don't care, and don't
inform myself about what
I am representing - causing
damage.

facing danger.

death-life, or dead-life

small squares of space,
kept neat.
they have windows
and shutters.

I have to call my landlord
to ask him to fix the
main entrance doorbell so that
I can speak to the person
who is ringing, before
opening the door.

paying rent for
the neat living space....

paying rent...

buying food.
buying food.
buying food.

clothes.
fashion.
women's fashion.

do I have a nice look?
good comfortable clean clothes?
cool clothes? the kind that
tell everyone that I care?
that I have a good sense
and healthy energy that
likes things, that
desires? wishes?

No. but I do these things
barely.
barely.

I barely buy those clothes
I barely choose them
I barely wear them
I have a barely look.

and that is not
so nice, because its
not calm, and not
inspiring.
there is no "Lust"
but only the need
to keep up a pose
of a woman,
dignity.

dignity city
city dignity.

a smarter person
doesn't need such
things.

it is tiring...
especially when
I'm not AT ALL inspired.

I might as well be
a total neglect..
but I am afraid
to become even sadder.

afraid to become even
sadder.

you see? dead-life.

here it comes!

2011-01-14T18:35:00.000-08:00

Ok. it really is serious. things are happening in this country Israel, that are affecting things, making things swing more dramatically. fucking crazy people. damn damn damn.
yes, i am stressed, and i feel like i dont know enough about the situation there to be able to put a food down somewhere, or even just a toe. Hopefully if the occasion calls, i'll find a way to go through... to fight. to help. its not because its my country. its because i know enough and have some certain ability to act there. i have the talent that i was born there, speak the language and am considered part of the place. some people are already starting to want to kick a person like me out of the picture. i am a threat to them. or at least i bother.

so there are arguments now about who is the most patriot... the most jewish... and it reaches the level that is trying to get rid of all those who dont care about these issues. the "left" which is something that is a lot of times weird.. is being put in a tight corner. and its felt. and it feels little by little more and more helpless. even if things will stay quiet for some time from now, the affect is happening. the gap is getting large - the crazy people that believe in themselves, and see everything with hysteria, are reacting aggressively against simple understandings of calmness in society, against the ability of the people and organizations to work things out more simply, and without drama.

how do you deal with craziness that takes over? it gets everyone.. the hysteria, fear, paranoia... all those. it reaches a level that people have to position themselves in accordance to it- and they have no chance but to fall victim to the hysteria.

2 nightmares. about my mother.

1) i was ill, and so weak that i couldn't walk or carry myself. my mother and a couple of my brothers and sisters were there. my mother hysterically knew what to do - she insisted to carry me into the car and to drive me to the hospital. i knew and felt that this should be done in calmness, and with sensitivity. instead my mother yelled and shouted at my brothers who argued with her that she is carrying me wrong.. she was sure she had to give me something to drink or eat or wear. there was a big fight about how i should be handled and my mother kept changing her mind about what to do with me. she wants to help, she wants to help, but she is killing me. killing me. she is not sensitive, she is arguing with the others, she is sure about herself, and she wont let anyone get in her way. not even me. because she knows. being so certain but without any ability to learn about what is happening actually. i dont trust you- i tell her softly, without power. youre going to kill me, i dont trust you. and she gets angry with me too. no stopping her. i have no power. i'm getting lost in the hands of craziness.

2) i meet my mother. she suspects me. she arrived to the conclusion that i am evil. that there is no trusting me, anything i do has a double meaning. in her eyes i am trying to get something out of her. in her eyes i am the enemy. i see this and dont know what to do. we shake hands but she looks at me suspiciously. she starts whispering curses at me. as if i cant hear her.. we say hello and greet each other, but in between each hello, each how-do-you-do, she instantly curses me whispering in this way. with a fake exaggerated smile she speaks with me, then the smile drops and her face expresses hatred while cursing me, doing this in in a way that believes that i cant notice(since i don't belong to her world, and soon will be kicked out of it). i try to get her out of this, to reach her. but its no use, she thinks that i am trying to get her.. and she is fighting not to surrender to my bad ways. she believes i wont truly be on her side, and that i will raise my ill intentions using her and the treasures of her world. she wont give it a hand. cursing, hating... she has put me on the other side. i am accused, there is nothing i can do. i cant change what she believes. what she knows about me. i am not loved, at all. she is trying to protect herself from me. she will hurt me. she is. she is cursing, trying to push me off and out of her world, which i live in.

so whats the point. damn it.

something is wrong again.

2011-01-11T09:18:00.000-08:00

I dont like what I wrote. I have pretentiousness. sigh.
but this so uninteresting that its also a very bad idea to publish it...

black and white/ david, name your son isaac.

2011-01-10T16:17:00.000-08:00

black and white in 2 lines.

I'd like to think of the world as 2 lines. I'd like them to be parallel in some point, and straight.

i'd like the relation between them and the no-2 lines that makes them 2 lines to be something amazing. i'd like to think of what that can be.

i like the 2 lines anyway. i think i like 2 too. 2... i like 2 because its complicated. because its problematic, and challenging. sometimes though, its too simplistic. then i like the many. i like many then... many as an amount that is still perceptible... but also without being able(= needing) to count it really... i like it to give me another feeling. something that has a lot in it, and also plainness.. something interesting and that catches your feelings...

2 or many. or 3. 2 lines and the no-line that makes them 2 lines. in which the relation between the things is a shallow point compared to the other things that this brings out from your mind.

sacrifice= keeping Isaac as your son, knowing that he might as well have been destroyed by you, since there are other (more?) important things in this world than this way of living. than raising a child as your own. thats the same sacrifice you make when you state that there is a crucial, essential relation between a line and the no-line that makes it a line (there are other important things). i mean its there for another reason. a reason that has a lot in it, and also plainness... something interesting that catches your feelings.

david, name your son Isaac.

back on this site after less than a year of exile...

I dont really grow old.

david, i'm falling into the black hole of history with no safety precautions

2010-04-21T16:20:00.000-07:00

how stimulating it is to read a book about the exciting lives and deaths of people that(as they say) have to do with me.
I am back in the end of the forties. in the midst of all the battles. all the ideology. all that rush.

thankfully it helps me feel different in an inspiring way. unfortunately this new feeling comes and goes, and right now it seems to have gone.

the rush to make the state of the jews, turns into a rush to make a state period.
sometimes i dont understand it. sometimes these people are not jews. sometimes they are a question mark that has a craze to conquer the land and rid itself from the arabs.

Now i dont want to look at now. i want to be soaked with that strange feeling that helped me take a distance from all of this. the feeling came from the book. i hope. because then i could just go back to it and let it affect me again. let the effects of the unsafe way of being exposed to history leave me in this high feeling and damaged forever.

friends, i am about to enter a more insane world than the one i am in right now. i'm going into the israel. into the hebrew into ivrit. (ivrit is how you pronounce hebrew in hebrew. its way better than the english hebrew mostly because hebrew brings "hebrew school" in mind. a very awful thing they have in the usa, kind of like sunday school. ivrit on the other hand is more practical, you dont have to linger on it like they do when they say hebrew).

I can tell you that in hebrew i am blinded. i feel a feeling of over exposure. like a burning and blinding sun that you cant get rid of. then all these things appear and you never know whether they are there or whether you have become a victim of sunstroke and you are now in a state of serious deliria.

i want to go back to the feeling that my age is now 60, as the age of the state i was born in. and to the understanding that the new comers, my aunt and uncle, built their home on the 20 (or even 15?) year old ruins of the former population there. on the 20 year old end of the state of battles and uncertainty concerning the turnout of that ideology to make a state.

so much of that feeling: pride. heavy pride. but i will take a ride on it. a ride that will make me forget myself and become insane. i'll be intoxicated by it all, all at once. but i cannot call anything israel or jewish or palestine. these sort of namings must stay in other people's mouths. i'm just here for the ride. i'm just here for the ride.

cleaning time

2010-04-21T05:37:00.000-07:00

I am growing fond of going around the eastern neighborhoods of berlin. I am quite fond of reading my Hebrew book in their local public transportation.

one time i took my bike on the train, and had to place it next to one of the train doors because it was the only place i could put it. one of the times i had to get up and move my bike, to let people enter the train, i decided to change my seat. i was reading my book, and as i realized that i couldnt find it after changing my seat a black jeansed black hooded sweatshirted, transparent haired bald guy (possible a skinhead) exclaimed: hey! Ihr buch! and handed me my book back.
its most likely that he hasnt noticed the letters and also not the front cover picture - a drawing of a romantic Semitic/southern black curly haired shepherd guy with a big black eye with black lashes and long stretching black eye brow, and with black curly body hair on a naked upper body.
my imagination was running as he handed me my book back. first of all i was happy this has happened. i am eager to shake off and release the stress between us. i calmly looked him in the eye, giving the coolest most normal gaze i could in these circumstances, and this was the first step into leveling things between us.
as i got it back in my hands, i gave my book an outer gaze. i realize now that i do this quite often on the train, without even thinking, to always make sure the way it looks wont bother the people next to me - depending on who is there - and sometimes i hide it back in my bag. but after the "skinhead" gave it back to me, i was curious to imagine, by looking at the outer cover of my book, his impression of my book and of myself. first thing that quickly popped out was my understanding that for him i must have looked like that character on the cover. i have those (relatively) big dark eyes, with long black eye lashes, and long stretching black eyebrows. dark brown undisciplined hair

unfortunately, i like to think of conflicts. so i put on my table these two conflicting views about hair.
disciplined hair (prferably straight), transparent hair, quiet hair, blond hair, no hair, shades of brown hair, dark hair, black hair, undisciplined hair, facial dark hair, undisciplined dark body hair.

as a child i mostly hated grown up body hair.

hopefuly soon i will tire of these ways of keeping one's mind busy. soon.

8:15 pm (from 30th March 2010)

2010-04-21T05:35:00.000-07:00

its 7:35 pm now. i just bit my lip. i have enough time to write something till a quarter past eight.

reading a book about the history of the relationship between jews and the palesinians. 1930s-1950s.
going around with it especially to the eastern scarier areas in berlin. i'm working there.

the book has hebrew letters, a romantic illustration of an arab farmer. and the dates: 1930s, 1940s.. (i havent reached the 1950s yet)

its the heaviest thing to do. but i am not caring. i dont care about the book either, because its also too heavy, and has sentiments that i dont like. why do i do this then? maybe i want to get a better impression of this way of seeing things?
an impression. to know it better. perhaps like to know my enemy better. my enemy that takes history and thinking backwards so seriously. to your made up roots. everyone in the world has made up roots. and it still works along them as if they were true. but there is no necessity to insist on living according to these roots, if you feel like the world doesnt need it. as long as i can live like this i will.

this last line makes me think of a thousand different things i can say next, but i will leave it and go on to describe where i took my time to walk around today. it was south east. a place which was obviously communist. there is a mix of communist depressingly bare and functional rough buildings, a few still destroyed buildings from before the communism (i saw one standing by itself among the rest of the other communist ones, shameful and even irritatingly old with all its ornaments and quite an impressive whole romantic-classical style sculpture at the top part of the corner facing the main street), small little-man houses (i mean the kind of little-man life people can live there - inside the house, inside themselves, in between lots of buildings that are thoughtless to their community: there is not much to do when you go out. but there was one square in the middle which was an old square. i felt the life from before the communism there. the comfortable and welcoming structure of the square stayed the same, built rather low and petite compared to the communist 4-6 floor block-buildings, and there was a steel proud horse sculpture, right where one should be. today it has lovely restaurants and wine and bakery boutiques, a sweet ice-cream place. you could imagine the social life it wants to have, and has. except that it seemed too eastern to me, and although it even had a tuorist spot there, it made me feel like there are very specific tourists that this place is welcoming: mainly the whiter the better. of course these are only impressions. but you feel it. i am not the only one. where, oh where is carola.

done

We should go out dancing/ the theory of relativity

2010-04-20T13:27:00.000-07:00

I'm fed up with being bitter.

I want to turn into the bunny that jumps and hopps and has loooots of fun.

the theory of relativity:

everything is relative.

really. sometimes, i feel the most confident, other times a person that is much more confident, and is used to going about his life feeling just free and confident - that person can overshadow me. especialy when he only cares about himself.

ok, ok. just kidding. i didnt mean it. i do believe in miracles. You cant say everything is X when you believe in miracles, can you?

israelies are atractive-looking

2010-04-14T07:02:00.000-07:00

Israeli jews are very attractive-looking.

i tried to explain more, but couldnt.

i will only say Louloua. because she is the one who stated the sentence that is above the one that is above this one.

what do you choose?

2010-04-11T18:36:00.000-07:00

what do you choose: the fight, or to live the quiet life that you fought for?

when its quiet, i want to make noise
when there is trouble, i'll be anxious

the fight is for taking charge of things
living the quiet life is for the times that you want to let go of taking charge of things. like today morning when i didnt help out in cleaning a thing after the mess that was left.

AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAH!

2010-04-09T14:34:00.001-07:00

this is for anyone that doesnt want to read about personal problems.

AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAH!

i dont want to read about personal problems.

i'm trying to persuade myself that all this is not actually personal at all. maybe i'm right. i guess it depends on how sure i am about it in the end.

WWII bomb/ Ostkreuz

2010-04-08T15:32:00.000-07:00

one day I took the train to a place that passes by Ostkreuz, and they said the train wont stop at that station. then i came back and had to get off at Ostkreuz.

my love story with Ostkreuz.

there is one.

where the stairs are endless, and there is hardly a roof to cover you while you wait. the grayness. the place and the people are gray. everyone becomes gray in Ostkreuz.

they are trying to rebuild it. its one of the oldest and most neglected central berlin stations. i think that they cant escape the gray curse on Ostkreuz so easily. they might be able to get rid of some of the heavy grayness in the old stones of the station, but they are just changing it with a similar gray that is new and even shiny: the aluminium. such a lack of desire that it is happly fitting the harsh grayness of the scenery there. the curse. but i like it.

while digging to put up some more uncomfortable shiny new aluminium staircases, they found a WWII bomb. a big one. i imagine it to be the size of medium-small whail. at least.

it has been lying there, quietly under Ostkreuz for decades.

i heard that in the begining they had stopped the train before the station and told all the passangers that they found a bomb in Ostkreuz. that shocked everyone and they started to look at eachother trying to figure out which of them is the terrorist with the bomb.

police men had closed down streets in a kilometer distance away from the bomb. they evacuated the family i came to babysitt (i was evacuated with them too).

i was laughing all the way out of the area. but i dont like the crazy exiting action feeling of bombs and wars and playing with life and death. i dont like it only because its too simple. its too easy to get into the exitment of life and death, of the drama of a bomb. of the drama of WWII, and terrorists and wars in general. its a relief to those who are bored. there is action going on! action! i saw the smiles the police men had. finally a securly exciting story. those smiles are of course understandable, but they still remind you of that easy naughty desire to have everything explode.

Very girly intimate thoughts and feelings blog.

2010-04-08T03:06:00.000-07:00

there are people who look at you when you walk in the street. there are ones that dont look at you. i wont look at you. i'll try not to. it makes me feel better.

it has become a waste of time and energy. i do it when i am sad, when i'm bored and i dont know what to do. but i prefer not to.

a vered

2010-04-02T15:59:00.000-07:00

train tracks, wind and some clouds.
these clouds are glowing material.
glowing with goodness.
they do good.

how did all these people enter
the train on Ostkreuz?
they filled up the train

train tracks, wind, some
clouds that glow with goodness
and a full of people that one
of them just closed my open
window - train.

a poppy flower

2010-04-02T15:48:00.000-07:00

this is for sure not interesting for anyone, but i have a stomach ache.
i guess i get to complain about pains and troubles when i'm not inspired.
when i'm not inspired i'm actually a bit sad.
what will i do today.
yesterday with the camera and everything, i felt i was awake. that means that i was not closed. (although i was already closed when i wrote about it)
like a flower - open and closed.
a flower with a camera is open
a flower with a stomach ache is closed.

1/4/10 thumbs up

2010-04-02T07:43:00.000-07:00

I was going around with my camera today again.
it made me feel something that started in the days of The Eyeing Experiment. I assure you that it is not it though. Its something else that sneeked in, even during the eyeing experiment. I cant name it, its very slippery and hard to catch.
it has to do with watching people in a very awake way. I am awake in general, suddenly. things make sudden sense, and i feel something like "Yes I Can", and "Yes We Can", because of this sense. its sense and and a feeling of a goal. there is sense, and now i know what to do. i do. i know what i need to do.
right now i am only describing those feelings, and i am not really following the path that puts me on the right high-way lane to the goal (which is the goal).
thats what the camera is doing to me. just walking with it.

what a mess.

2010-03-29T02:28:00.000-07:00

Saw a concert at the KuLe tonight. (29.3.10)

(its since Diego is back). Its not like haven't been to the KuLe before he was back, but i havent been to a "laborsonor" night, or any of those berlin experimental music concerts.

i will go straight to what i wanted to talk about. the last concert.

it was cool. some things i worry were still stuck. but of course these guys are quite good. besides being quite good, they can still be stuck. stuck in following the accepted, and predicted rules.

i was messy, and i am thankful for that! thank you taku unami for the mess.

he really pushed towards it.

he seemed like a dark japanese comics character. i guess that from where i am, its hard not to think of japanese comics when i meet someone from there. i guess first impressions are so shallow and strong. but i cant help it. he was wearing a black t-shirt with a white dark graffity print that lost all of its usual letters that you see. so it was a post-graffity graffity printed shirt. hair covering face, in a way that reminded me of the decadent-cruel style manga character. it was hardly so, but he was walking violently back and forth at the back of the stage, opening and slapping shut a steel meter. madly sitting back down on a chair that was typically (in a good way) on the side and back against the wall, threatening. but in the end he was not threatening, because he was leaning forward towards his cardboard objects and mechanical gadgets, and the sounds that came from the stage. i think. he was more mad.
he made a mess while being mad. i needed that mess so badly. the aggression.
what does that mean? it felt like a relief. what does that mean? it felt closer to freedom. and inspiration, and desire.

the others, were liking it. the freedom at least. robin, i'm not sure. i think he goes well with it anyway, since he doesn't go by the accepted rules, maybe hardly, maybe not even hardly.

kicking cardboard messed up boxes in the back of robin and (shoot, i dont remember the third musician's name. to show the red lentils original bag while spilling them onto whatever, was freedom and messed up as well. but the mess was bringing out some enthusiastic actions and shapes. actually maybe its the other way around.

mess, enthusiasm, and go to hell aggressiveness.

being lonely/ david, i'm paranoid

2010-03-29T02:05:00.000-07:00

slowly, slowly, i feel i become stranger and stranger.
i am surrounded by friends, but i think that my steps are being measured. if i go a little bit to the right i am a little bit too weird. if i go a little bit to the left i am looked at with disinterest. i am criticized for making people feel bad.
this is all my fault. its my fault if i let it affect me.

why is this happening all of a sudden? why has my confidence dropped? it has dropped.
its all because my confidence has dropped.

i protest. (again). i am not there. i am not in that dropped confidence place. i used to be but now im not. im not, im not. i will run away, so i will feel that my confidence is still there. at least you get to see what is happening to me

"touching" you/ the love and not care experiment

2010-03-28T17:12:00.000-07:00

shall i touch you? can i? can i touch anyone?

would i harm. harming.

i touch, i harm, i get others to feel wrong. i don't believe so. i don't believe this.

as long as i represent what i say, i take responsibility for it. i like to feel like i can play forever with limits. also hurtful limits. hurtful limits are limits, they are not hurtful, but they can be taken as hurtful. repeat: they are not hurtful, but they can be taken as hurtful. and if they are taken as such, then it is a matter of something personal, but there is some other idea that can be taken by others. an idea that is expressed through this limit which is the hurtful limit.

i am too innocent.
i am crazy.

of course things hurt.

is there something about feeling these things - if things hurt, if they are crazy etc. that one should have?
my sister once said: tact.

it seemed to me that she didn't have a lot of tact when she said it.

i feel little.
i feel wrong.
i feel i am too ignorant, and unconscious, and therefore very simple-minded.

everyone behold!
i am simple minded. i might be somewhat charming since i get some good reactions to things that i do.

my education level is not very high. and a very good sign that i am simple minded is the fact that i dont read. the fact that i dont separate between emotions and ideas. the fact that i dont know how to take care of myself completely by myself. the fact that i have childish ideas like thinking it makes sense to separate between emotions and ideas.

i am put aside now. i am put aside and i fear i wont be able to take it. but i must. i must learn now, that everyone is a person. and that people are not perfect. not anyone. everyone can be hurt, even if you dont mean to hurt. then you settle it with that person.

i once wrote a comment on facebook to some old time friend, who i have never really known so well. my comment, which was negative, but wanted to have fun, was badly received, and the whole subject with comments by others as well, was erased.

i shall remain confident. i shall continue to believe blindly. and i shall settle things when things need to be settled. i shall remain crazy, only if the others are as crazy as i am, and not so cool. i hope to be somewhat charming. so at least something will be nice. i hope to love and not care.

this week is the love and not care experiment.

* i think i am a bit crazy.i walk on limits not so carefully.

continuation:

shall i touch you?

shall i say hello?

i dont want to go back into writing. not back into anything. where are you? are you happy? lets have some tea and cookies.

i am sitting next to my friend, he is sitting next to me.

its late now. lets try again, tomorrow. good night.

becoming a monster 3

2010-03-25T17:14:00.000-07:00

let me become a monster, that way i dont have to deal with keeping up with the angle image, which is a task that sucks up my freedom. let me become the monster, so i can really do all i wish, and with no excuses. then it will be easy: i am just a monster, nothing better is expected of me. people wont be angry with me. it will be easy and calm for everyone.

here are my last rays of love for today. sure i hurt. here am i. i hurt! i only want to say it, so let me just say it. just. einfach.

a Monster Minako

2010-03-25T16:56:00.000-07:00

blue yello water. water water water. no salt in the water. no apples. no cookies. no wine. no dumplings. no polka dots. i am a bit similar to dana. a bit. there are stars. cute baby stars. lots of them. with rosy cheecks. and pasifires. and butterflies. and projects. lots of projects. i must believ i am onmy way to achiveing them all. koalas and teddy bears. owls and old granpa clocks. cardboard boxes, and lots of that beatiful golden
happy endings. lovely articles. giggling
first comes the help and then comes the shoutings. help me africa, help me japan. help me western world, help me antartica, help me mexico, help me indonasia, help me paris, help me rome, help me buenos aires. help me new york.

i give you a kiss. thats all. not more than that do i mean.

becoming a monster 2

2010-03-25T16:45:00.000-07:00

rawwwwr!! i am the monster now!! beware of the monster. she is not nice, and can make you feel bad. rawwwwr! i only think of myself! raaaawwwr!! i dont care about anyone, really! all i want to see is me, me, me! rawwwr! i make tricks on people, and with bad humor! rawwwr! i complane about problems that i should solve by myself and quietly! raaawwwr! i am highly sensitive, and make people feel bad because of that! rawwr!
raaawwwwr! i ache being a monster! rawwr! please, please, please... do not condemn me! please, please, please... bring out the light and nice things, and not the bad things! rawwwr!!

becoming a monster

2010-03-25T16:41:00.000-07:00

when i feel that someone thinks something negative about me, even if i reject it, saying no, of course not, or even saying ok, thats not my problem they think like that - i still take in myself a part of that negative image. i become it. and then its true, i am really that image that was thought i was. really. truly. and sadly.

humor

2010-03-22T14:25:00.000-07:00

I'll never be funny in this blog. never!!!
everything is not funny.

soup for dinner: cooked beans (white are better than red, you can use borlotti beans, here in berlin its easy to find those in the turkish supermarkets), i put them in fresh water in a pot (a balance between beans and water that makes it a soup). tea spoon and a half natural soup extract-powder (without any yeast!), a pinch of big cooking salt (not so much because the soup extract unfortunately has salt in it already, and because too much salt makes this less fresh, and too heavy) half a zucchini sliced a generous amount of apple vinegar and lemon mixed(3-4.5 spoons)towards the end, and garnished with a less than a pinch of lemon zest and olive oil.

you can put more lemon, if you feel you need more taste.

a 5 minute Minako iii

2010-03-21T06:17:00.000-07:00

its so lovely now. the small sounds are getting louder. they are showing their presence:
a television sound in my ears (high pitch non-stop monotonous, but still with some nuances.
a refrigerator sound, i think. very far away cars, a bit of chirping birds in the afternoon, when they are quiet, and resting. i was closing my eyes. trying to mix with everything. trying tofeel no borders in space. succeeding. last night i woke up to a sound that i thought was a hysterical laugh, but it was the neighbor s family grieving outloud.

hello i'm diego's girlfriend.

2010-03-21T06:15:00.000-07:00

hello i'm diego's girlfriend.

how do you do?

fine, thank you. and you?

very well. where is diego? when is diego coming back?

a 5 minute Minako ii

2010-03-21T06:05:00.000-07:00

jfjvrjg all is still. there is a sound. going on.

blame things hopefully. the candle. its a person. i hear the voice of the computer. flying away. what is going on? what is happening. nothing. not a big deal. rabbits are quick and friendly. but they can be too white. love with hearts. i made an incredible frown. does it mean something? the frown. no looking back. galloping.

lets start over

2010-03-21T04:40:00.001-07:00

I've been keeping to myself, its time to put out something.

I'm starting not to care if this is interesting or not. at least right now. i won't look back at what i am writing. i will continue. its lonely now. i dont want to think about things that seem to bother me. what is happening now. i can start by describing. thats harmless. sitting in the s-bahn in the middle of the night. there is a skin-head type of guy sitting in the 4 empty seats that are beside me. i dont really know if he is such a skin-head because i dont feel like looking at him to make sure.
But i do like his energy from what i am getting. he is breathing somewhat heavily. sitting cross legged - man style. has a black Kapuze (hooded sweatshirt), beige camouflage pants, and maybe black and white sneakers.

what else. i am exited. something physical. maybe close to that time i left friedrichshagen in the night and reached the vietnamese place and had a meal by myself then (hmm). but i wont go there now. i will go home.
what shall i cook?
skin-head is leaving. i liked him. er gefaellt mir.
its night and its quiet, and there are very few people around. es gefaellt mir.
saw Alice in Wonderlad by Tim Burton. i needed it. i fell for it. why not? i fell for it totally. the way that it was good for me. Now i remember how i was walking with my parents back home from "The Jungle Book"(Disney)which we saw in the cinema when i was 6. i remember very well well how proud i was when my mom and dad said that i was walking like mogli in the jungle when he was upset or sad or something.
Now after Alice, I want to be alice myself. the one with the armor suit, which made her have that Joan of Arc kind of sexless warrior romantic look.
my station has come.
saw a pizza left over, and that made me understand i really want some cheese. found the pizza place. sitting here now. today i forced myself to say thank-you none-stop for 10 minutes. it helps. eating the pizza. perfect.
typical american scene at a fast-food restaurant. just sitting and taking very hungry bites from the pizza, and there comes one of the workers and cleans the table next to me. So obvious that if i would have worked here, i wouldn't touch the stuff. but right now its perfect.

a 5 minute Minako

2010-03-18T04:23:00.000-07:00

hi iam vered. i drink tea. i love the sea. oh oh. how wonderful. wow. i want. aaa. because, so far its been going well. no? redness in a good way.
wellness.
a dollar a day

he
earase and erase. i want
its so nice outside today.
thankyou
thankyouetc.

the friend in my heart/ Edith and Minako/ i'm busy

2010-03-16T14:14:00.000-07:00

You know who you are. Friend in my heart. There is an extension to you, dear friend. Its you plus two. Sometimes you see them, sometimes you don’t. I play a trick on you, because [im writing something differently, its another way, its new]

I play a trick on you my dear old pal- friend. This is my trick.

A building that they are building. Its new. You see the new buildings that they are building first in the view. In the middle of the view there are the new buildings.just like that in the middle of the hills. The bare hills. They put the new buildings. Just a few, 1,2,3. they are now there. They are new. You want to go there. And be there. There shouldn’t be anyone else there but you plus two. No one: no kitchen, no bathroom, no tables no beds. No beds? Well, maybe something to sleep on. Windows, doors. Floor, ceiling, buildings, in the hills. I make a minako for you myfriend. A Minako.
A Minako is my trick.
I wonder if you are allowed to erase when you make a Minako.
Do you want to make a Minako, friend?
I think you make your own Minakos.

You understand what a Minako is.

When I make a Minako I am busy. I am busy making a Minako.

How else can I make a Minako? Can a Minako be digital? Can a Minako help with design? Can a Minako, can it do something?

This is my first Minako. I send it to you, my friend. Because you are making Minakos too.

This is my first Minako, I send it to you, because you make Minakos.

This is my first time. It is not so easy. I am erasing. I think in Minakos, youre not supposed to erase, at least not like erasing. Maybe you can erase, maybe you can really erase, better than ever. I am having troubles, I am going out of the Minako rules.

I am doing too much , I am not

Me and Lior's story

2010-03-14T06:35:00.000-07:00

Dear Lior,

Here is our story:

In the middle of the night we both entered a “sherut” minibus taxi in the central bus station in Tel-Aviv which was heading to Netania. I got in before you, I was just going to my parent’s home after a visit to my friend in Tel Aviv. This was in the middle of my 2 week long stay in Israel, while I was living in Berlin already 3 years. I already noticed that I liked the energy of the few people around: the driver who was a bit over weight, wearing a checkered shirt leaning over to two Africans, a man and a woman, who obviously were not Ethiopian, and in that case probably non-Jewish-working-immigrants: something to look down upon… (the driver had that very “middle-ages” attitude as one of my friends calls it – I guess you get to feel that he was not one of the most sensitive, and understanding kind of guys. Probably has his own kind of sensitivity though) was he looking down at them? I think so… in a way. Then you entered while speaking on the phone. You came from no-where. Very pale, with dark features – hair and eye brows, did you wear glasses? I think you did. You looked quite young, between 20-25 no more than that. You had loose clothes on, and amazing straw open toed slippers. You came with a bunch of papers and you were saying unbelievable things out loud on the phone. Its as if you told your whole life story on that phone call. I got to understand that you were a doctor working in the hospital with children, something about your daughter, her birthday, something about children dying, I had the impression that you were taking care of very ill children in the hospital… something about your lover that you didn’t want to meet at work. Very intensive life, very intensive talk on the phone. I was eating crackers that made a lot of noise, I didn’t eat much before, and I had a book about fashion in the 70s in Paris on my lap. I kept feeling stupid. I couldn’t stop looking at you. You were unbelievable to me. Then you changed your seat to the back where it was harder for me to make my small glances at you.
Meanwhile the taxi driver was guessing where in Africa was this black working-immigrant guy from. The driver was astonished at the fact that the working immigrant spoke English so well. “how do you know English?” “you learn in school?” , something like that. He seemed a little bit threatened by the fact that this particular passenger spoke English better than him. The man answered a regular yes. The driver started naming different African countries names… somehow Sudan came up, and suddenly you answered Sudan loudly and reassuringly from the back seat stopping your conversation on the phone to do so. You continued talking after that, but in the front seat there was a silence. Then after a few seconds the driver agreed –Sudan, sudan. After another few silent moments the black African working immigrant guy suddenly started slowly and seriously (until that moment they were all speaking jokingly) to say fuck sudan, fuck sudan, fuck sudan, and he kept saying that repeating louder and louder. I don’t remember ever knowing where that guy was really from in the end, but they continued talking, and I tried to listen to what you were saying on the phone, because it was unbelievable to me. I couldn’t ignore it.
There was another guy or two in that taxi. One that had put his bag on one of the seats and stayed outside to drink or something, but kept going in and out, in and out. He seemed like a zombie to me. Suddenly came another man who was going to take that seat where the zombie-like man put his bag on, as if there were no other seats (8 at least) left in the vehicle, as if that’s the exact seat one should sit on. So that zombie-like man jumped at him and there was a slight argument, but it was soon settled, and when the taxi was about to take off, the zomie-man took his precious seat, and I’m not sure, but the other guy was not there anymore… I remember driving on our way – feeling great that we were all together. No one was threatening none of us. You and me don’t have that much charisma, so the driver didn’t feel ashamed that he didn’t know English like the two persons from Africa. He didn’t have that much charisma either, so I at least felt quite secure in my own space. So did the zombie-like guy, and the two working-immigrants. It seemed to me that in that ride, we were all relieved of all the threats in the world. All those times we have to take care of our space, that no-one will step on us. No-one was going to step over anyone’s space on that ride. No-one felt as though they needed to. No survival tactics needed. Every single one of us was respected, and left to be free. A relief. I could have died and gone to heaven in that moment. I wanted our ride into the everlasting night to last forever. Forever. For some moments we were doing exactly that. I loved everyone. I felt an amazing bond.
After some miles, the driver stopped and picked up two rude young girls with middle ages attitude. They were quite loud. Something about them broke our relaxed energy, and, irritated, you said something like “respect those who are older than you” out loudly to them, and everyone else in the taxi heard it.
I had to do something. I had a small flyer that some lady had given to me in a shopping mall in Berlin – about Jesus and the world (I then treated her to some coconut cookies that I had on my lap, sitting on a bench and thinking what I have to do next). I ripped out the first page which was filled with a nice colorful illustration of the earth, and it said “Die Welt” (the world) on it. With a black pen I wrote you I wanted to write to you, and included my email address. I waited for the last moment. My dropping off point (the taxis hardly stop in the formal bus-stop there), I just dropped the piece of paper on your stack of papers, and got out.
After some months you finally reached me. You tried to reach me ever since that night. I found out that you were actually 30, like me (in a few months). You stated that you were homosexual and said that you know that you look young, but you were actually that age, and a doctor in the hospital, and a teacher. you told me about your daughter. You said you felt so much like I did on that ride, about everyone, about staying there forever. Did you really?
We both knew from the start how different we are. Being the same age, coming from more or less a similar place. Very different. Your daily life is packed with work, you wake up at 5:30 every morning and work day and night shifts in the hospital, besides that you are a professor at the Medical faculty at the university. Mornings are the toughest for you, since you wake up, and you take a look at the photo of your daughter. You shall meet her one day. You say that while working so much (when you fill in the day and night shift you start work like every other day at 7:30- 8 in the morning, and then you just continue till the next day) if you succeed in helping one person, it fills so many worlds inside of you. I shall tell you that you inspire me. I shall tell you to take good care. I know you give it all. You live, and you have no borders. That is a bit similar to me, the no borders part. Maybe that was what we all had on that taxi ride. We have to take care. I believe in no borders, but I believe in caring for good things to happen, taking care of things, watching out, being sensitive, in that everyone has to take their share of responsibility. The responsibility each one can allow himself to have, that each one can find that he can have - in order to take care of something so it will be good. Good according to your own feelings, and therefore good to you, and to your border-less self.

אוקיי, אז נדבר,

ורד.

extra thoughts for aba

2010-03-13T14:37:00.000-08:00

maybe you think that deep down inside of me i merely fear not to be accepted in society. maybe you saw how i grew up and had troubles getting a long with people since kindergarten, and so it seems understandable that i give up and try to make myself special by rejecting the mainstream, and whatever the common thought was around me, i'd go away from it, to be special. could be that thats part of things, but i tell you i learned a lot on my way. maybe you had some similar troubles yourself as a child, and you found your own special place in the world that was away from what was around you... but maybe not. maybe you always had that special place throughout your childhood, and you always looked forward to go there finally. and you did, and you accepted your place of belonging. the netherlands and europe are quite an attraction way down from little old israel. what can you do? probably israel was quite an attractive place from way up there in the netherlands too. never felt totally at home in israel. blame me for being arrogant. force me to surrender. i felt at home with my friends. i dont have a country or maybe even a place in the world where i feel totally at home at. maybe there is such a place and i havent found it yet. not herzliya, natania, kfar-saba, qiryat-gat, jerusalem, tel-aviv, jaffa, ashkelon, kochav-yair, not in the desert that i love even, the closest place would be the beach. or hiding places. i used to find hiding places to stay, and pass my time in them. i felt relieved. i remember always, wherever i was, i looked for those hideouts to feel at home maybe. under the pile of large rocks of the harbour when they were building it; behind our building in the dunes in a gap where cars going by cant see you; i even looked for secret abandoned houses, and once found a whole secret abandoned street in the middle of town - two rows of small same shaped houses each had quite a nice amount of garden ground around it, and the plants were taking over all over the houses and the street; walking around the fence of the settlement in gaza where no one dared to go, with a dog that belonged to one of the settlers. oh yeah, i remember having quite a relationship to plants and animals and anything that was not a person, i used to know all the kinds of birds in the area. one day the settlers locked that dog up in a big cage. i thought they did that because of me, because they didnt want me going with him all the time around the fence. me and him, we used to go chasing wild rabbits at the edges of the dunes that entered the settlement's land. on the other side of the fence were amazing dunes, and gaza. there i felt freedom. i dont know about home, or about belonging, but there there was freedom. because things didn't make sense anymore, and that's what i felt was true to me. here in berlin, i dont have much hiding places, i do a little, Diego found one at one of the big department stores. on the top floor there is a cafeteria, and hardly anyone goes there. i even remember finding hiding places in America. just a little. here in berlin i dont feel like hiding anymore. i now want to do the opposite of hiding. where is my arrogance? i ran away from israel. i feel better. i feel better coming there for short periods of time, and not living there all the time. i was hurt too much, and i was depressed too much, and mainly stressed too much. there are lovely things there, in israel. certain kind of openness and easy-going... i learned a lot from this. a place like here can learn a lot from that. the world needs these things, and i hope i can be the vessel that passes them all over. you get to see a lot in israel, you get to understand a lot. but you also get burned quickly. i do. do i have to go all the way? everyone is getting burned so i have to get burned as well? otherwise i stay an arrogant that wont let himself get burned. this is probably the answer you were looking for, for me to reach to by myself. i am a person of the world, and if you are thinking of me having to finally deal with my true belonging to israel, then i'll say that i... its a place that i dont want, besides the fact that it doesnt exist in me as much as it does in others. i dont want it because i have been to other places in me, and i am still discovering my belonging. i think i do need it. and i need a true one, or a normal one too. a belonging that i feel is the most deepest or easiest in me. that also has to do with becoming me. i'm sure i will be able to show this place more clearly in my life, because i feel i'm touching some deep points. i always look for those and i never wish to lie to myself. i do get insecure about this way lots of times, and then thoughts like me being actually merely an arrogant person that doesnt want to accept being like everyone else - get the best of me, and i start to believe that thats just my problem. i think its important for life that i go all the way, and hit all the spots, and not make it easy for myself. but it was never easy. and its not that easy now either. here, in Germany, i find another angle of the same thing, and it only makes things richer, and more connected with the world. if you dont understand some of what i say here, at least your questions make me continue with discovering all of this.

David, I'm pretentious/ a proper answer to my dad

2010-03-13T01:33:00.000-08:00

Aba,

I write to you again, and i answer your letter to me, properly. first i must say how it is sad that it must go through such misunderstandings and then we hurt each other.

i am very hard on you, i know. i dont agree lots of times with you... (though in the end we keep finding our meeting point) i always wish i could be so brilliant so that you would appreciate at least my brilliance if not my feelings for my surroundings, and for what i hold dear to me through such a brilliance that will attract you. i guess that you have a certain suspicion towards me, and the way i see the world. Thats a major point between us. For now i could only say that my view is just not settled, but i'm always working on understanding things, not because i want to have a view of my own, but just because there are things that bother me so much, things that reach me, and irritate me, and hurt me so much just going on through the day that i can't stand them. so thats why i wonder if my view of the world will ever settle, or if i really even have one.

my arrogance.

oh, what the hell, i'll just translate your parts of your original letter because they are good in my point of view. sorry, i will take the liberty of publishing them without asking your permission because i believe in their depth and sincerity (its not easy to find such sincerity). i hope this wont be taken as a very arrogant thing to do. you shine out of them anyways.

Hi Vered,

I read your blog about being a stranger and the others arrogant etc. (letters between you and Louloua).

why do you keep looking in an active way to be the different one, and not want to be a part of the "mainstream"?
why did you have to live in Germany of all places, and not anywhere else?
ask yourself fundamentally - why does it bother you that people in the streets seem arrogant to you?

all of the answers to your search are in you and not outside of you.

search deep and reach your soul because its very easy to complain about the outer world and not find the answers in your head.

the world is not black and white - the people that live in it are not black and white and you cant classify them by putting a sticker on them: where are you from? oh so you are like this and that.

the world and the people in it have infinite shades of every color - no person is like another - in the moment that you classify them as one color - you turn yourself into a very arrogant person, and raise a lot of opposition and anger from the people who are around you.

maybe from the moment you start seeing the world and your surroundings with love (true love, not fake), you will feel very well with yourself, in the moment you'll feel very good with yourself and so full of self confidence and you will project this to the outside - you will see how the world that is around you will receive that. accept the people as they are love them with all of what they have dont classify them - you dont like to be classified yourself either. most of the people are not looking to fight you - to go around with complexes wont get you nowhere - just to more complexes. throw away everything - and yes start to dance from love and without letting anything bother you... also strangers and even germans eeeeeveryone only want to be loved and to be hugged orientals as oxidentals without a difference in color religion or race - we are all different and all the same human beings.

and this is not Utopia - its the reality!

kisses - aba.

ok, so right now counting my sister too, there are a few people who really question the idea that i generalize. and you obviously see this as something arrogant. i decided to go through this way. i have been through a lot of racism through-out my life, and i have passed through the feeling that i have to watch-out not to generalize because we humans are all the same and all different. i want to reach a deeper feeling, or a more down to earth one, or a more connected one or a sincere one. one that goes through all the generalizations and generalizing notions about the world, without making reasonable or logical short-cuts. i would be lying to myself. if i seem to be generalizing, its because i face how things seem to me to be acted out in this world and life. i let myself do it, because in this matter i trust i know how not to really fall into anything that's really a trap of generalizations and classifications, because i dont see these things are really ever there in any kind of essence of anything. now that last big word is a problem, but i only believe in the ability to experiment with things as long as i dont find myself going crazy and falling helplessly into some ready-made trap this world has. i guess i go as far as i can into this crazy generalizing hole with a kind of ladder that i made myself, so i can get out whenever i have to, and whenever i notice that i'm stepping too deep and some kind of racist ghost grabs me and takes control a little. i dont think i can ever go all the way inside there. the only thing that can make me that crazy are people that make me think about the meaningfulness of being a jew. the kabalah purpose as a jew, the idea that to pray in the right way and on the specific date and time, is important to reach a profound level that i havent reached yet, and which i cannot reach with the way i am living now. how places in the world are either nearer or farther to god. and jerusalem and that place under the temple mount are truly the closest to him on earth. thats all tricky stuff for me, but i have been feeling that when everything is ok with me, and i'm calm in life, i dont need these things. in those moments when i'm ok, everything is everything, and i can find my way, which doesnt need directions from the outside that can only make me very confused and lose my balance, but they wont because I'm fine.

you know i see its very hard for me to answer the first question. i guess you think i am arrogant that im trying to be different and go out of the mainstream. well, im trying to go into the places that i like, mainstream or outside mainstream. and when i feel that i dont connect to some kind of mainstream, yeah, i do get to feel like an outsider a bit. right now i'm thinking about belonging. when i feel belonging, then i come from there and not from outside. i am finding my own belonging, that i find in people that i got to know, my own connections. perhaps it doesnt seem so stable, and maybe it isnt, but i have something. the people who are close to me are important to me. i just want to feel good.

here in Germany, i work on not feeling inferiority, and fighting the feeling of superiority that i get in a big enough dosage from people here - in every way possible. so far the best way seemed to be to relax, and accept the people with their weird social behavior and body language in the street.

i was just thinking today, that maybe you really even know what im talking about, maybe you really, really know it, since you grew up in holland, which is different but has many similarities. maybe you grew up in a similar kind of behavior surroundings and you already know how to digest it. i'm still learning this, and am curious about it.

i guess im not actually answering those questions, but just putting down things that came up to my mind now...
kisses
v.

The Let It Be Experiment 1

2010-03-13T01:28:00.000-08:00

ok. i make it short.

i will post this later on because its not good for me you read about it so close to the moment when it really happened.

i was walking down the streets of Prenzlauer berg. and tried to think how to let the feeling of inferiority be. i was also thinking of just to let things be, and also of calmness, and coolness, the loss of tension. i thought of feeling the others (in their way) instead of confronting them.
i dont know which of these made me think of looking without looking at the people. i just discovered that i feel better when i look without focus, or very quickly. not focusing on the people. no focus, no worries, no confrontation. if there is a way to confront the arrogance with my gaze, then i might not be so ready for it. whenever i try to look, and then just let it be, it doesnt work. i keep falling into the same confronting trap, i dont manage to let something be while gazing.
so by walking with a straight back, and looking out of focus, i manage not too bad to let things be. what more, i even manage to feel better.
i noticed that by doing this i have changed my view of those German people who i always used to be nervous about, from special people that i long to understand, and maybe "catch" or "catch up with" (probably a symptom of looking up to someone) - to just regular ol' people, no more than that. i also did something else that was quite amazing for me to find out about. i was closing my eyes in the metro and realized that i never wanted to close my eyes. i always wanted to be there where the people are, to figure things out, to try to catch up maybe. it was always a shame to close my eyes and to miss every moment. so what happened when i insisted? i found out that it was amazingly tough for me not to care about catching up, and about being there and learning from the people around me.

going back to the very first sentence i wrote now, i recently feel like, whenever something is putting me down, avoiding it, and even rejecting it. so if i feel that its not good for me to look longer at people here in berlin, today i tried not to do it, but to be just out of focus - i found a way out of it without acting and forcing myself to just look away. its as if i close my eyes half way. and continue to walk, and live. (maybe walking with your eyes half shut is relaxing). and if i feel its not good for me to show some achievements in any form, even though they belong to themselves, and not to me, i will show them when the time is better. when they really will belong to them selves. in 5 days.

Dana is taking care of me

2010-03-08T14:17:00.000-08:00

"i forgot to tell you, the flower you left in soluna, today was in bloom, was very nice! the girl attach it to the arrange in the table and look very nice. a part of you in soluna" Dana Elfenbaum.

more letters to louloua

2010-03-07T10:16:00.000-08:00

I must tell you that since I've posted all our letters, i have personally received different reactions. The reactions were mainly things people had to tell me, for my own self. i found it interesting since they really came from different people at different occasions, and were not quite the same, but nevertheless, they did stand out because i do not remember recieving reactions like these, and from such an amount of people that already made me think that something is going on, as opposed to just a remark here and there.
one is worried that i use such strong concepts that are dangerous: that i talk about "germany" and the germans, and Israel and Egypt as neighbors, that i generalize people.
another thinks that i believe in such things as inferiority and superiority.
and finally different people got to say something about me being just paranoid, that the people in the street dont look like this at me, they dont look like anything at me, they dont care.

ok, so now what?
i protest!
i have nothing to say.
i guess it is worth it to mention these reactions anyway. For me the fact that they came from the people who are closest to me, that they came to me personally and mostly tryed to calm something down in me, as if i have a personal problem is quite interesting.

now i'm thinking about the one that understood from my writing that i believe that there are such things as inferiority and superiority. i mentioned that they need to be there because of history somewhere. this is really not important, and the spot light should not be put on such an idea at all, because, besides being dangerous, it matters so little, that it doesn't matter at all in the end. and the tiny bit of matter that it does is there just because most of the people still have it in them in this form. but i am thinking sometimes that its really important to mention it just to be able to jump out of it, and if i can manage to do that, i might give a possibility for those people who think this way- to be able to jump out of it, once they are there, as well. there is a very ugly danger if one goes into that. so ugly that it is boring.

letters with louloua

2010-03-06T08:11:00.000-08:00

Hallo meine Liebe,

Ich habe hier Notizen gemacht von dem was du mir geschrieben hast. Ich mag es total, wie du das erklärt hast. Du hast einen Talent zu schrieben, wow. Ich habe leider viel geschrieben, aber ich hoffe, du verstehst mein Deutsch:

1. “We both notice the same thing about their gaze, and we both say
that this behavior is coming from Germans.” Es ist nicht nur in Deutschland. In Ägypten gibt’s auch so was und es könnte auch manchmal noch extremer sein, wie kindische Blicke von oben nach unten. Damit habe ich keine großen Probleme in Ägypten. Vielleicht weil es mein Land ist und ich fühle mich sicher und vielleicht weil ich mich einfach dagegen wehren kann. In Deutschland aber bekomme ich die meisten Blicke von deutschen Frauen, weil ich glaube, dass zwischen den Ausländern sich ein Solidaritätsgefühl und gemeinsame Identität entwickelt hat. Das bedeutet aber nicht, dass es in unseren Ländern solche Blicke nicht existieren. Sie sind auch da, aber wir können damit besser umgehen. Hier sind wir empfindlicher (sensitive)(glaube ich). Außerdem haben manche Deutsche das Gefühl aufgehobener und besser zu sein als Leute aus anderen Ländern. Diese Art von Arroganz habe ich während meines Praktikums erlebt. Das war aber nicht nur von Frauen, sondern auch von Männern. Da hatte ich das Gefühl gehabt, dass es mit meinem arabischen Hintergrund zu tun hat. Sie haben mir das Gefühl gegeben, dass ich minderwertig bin.
2. Ich bin nicht auf der „Bitch Side“ ständig. Ich bin nur auf dieser
Seite, wenn es notwendig ist, also nur mit „Bitches“ und nicht mit jedem natürlich. Man muss auch gucken, mit wem man zu tun hat und dann kann man sich mit dieser Person entsprechend verhalten. Also wenn diese Person arrogant ist, bin ich auch arrogant. Wenn diese Person lieb und nett ist, bin ich auch automatisch nett.
3. “and you said the ones that loved you, and who were shocked at the
sudden total change - in the end got used to it, and stayed by your side.” Hier meinte ich nur Ulf. Ich war am Anfang als ich nach Deutschland kam, nicht „ich“, ich war sehr verunsichert und schwach auch zum größten Teil wegen der Sprache und auch wegen meiner Epilepsie. Ulf hat sich an diese Situation angepasst. Er war der starke in unserer Beziehung, der immer Entscheidungen getroffen hat, weil ich einfach nicht in der Lage war Verantwortung zu tragen (Ich war sehr jung). Mit der Zeit bin ich sicherer und selbstbewusster geworden und bin langsam zurück zum „ich“ gekommen. Das bedeutet, dass ich nicht mehr schwach und hilflos war. Das hat Ulf natürlich überrascht. Er war nicht daran gewöhnt, dass ich auch mitentscheide und Verantwortung mittrage. Er mochte das am Anfang nicht, weil er dachte, er verliert mich (glaube ich zumindest), aber mit der Zeit hat er sich daran gewöhnt und er hat gemerkt, dass ich mich auch so besser fühle. Ich war verloren und ich habe mich wiedergefunden.
4. „but maybe its best to be strong and even stupid towards others to
be able to take care of oneself enough for oneself to truly be able to be an angel. a true angel. or a good person. someone that cares, and that is able to give since that's all he wants to do really.” Ich mag diesen Satz sehr gerne. Ich stimme total zu. Ich finde sogar, dass manche Leute verdient haben, nett mit den zu sein und manche gar nicht. Es hört sich komisch an, weil man denkt, dass alle Leute nett behandelt werden wollen. Das ist aber leider nicht die Realität, sonst gäbe es auch keine Kriege in der Welt. Es gibt Leute, die sehr egoistisch und schlecht sind. Sie warten bis man was falsches tut, dann können sie angreifen. Sie sind wahrscheinlich auch so erzogen worden ohne Liebe und ohne Respekt. Ich finde, dass Kapitalismus auch viel dazu beigetragen hat, dass Leute nach maximalem Gewinn suchen und ihr eigenes Interesse verfolgen ohne andere Leute zu berücksichtigen.
5. „I don't prefer foreigners to Germans here in Berlin. its true that
I relate more with foreiners here, but i am not a crazy fan of the "Multikulti" thing, because its separating for me,; well everyone separates, but multikuli makes it ready-made for you, and i believe in making my own separation from scratch - person by person. what is multikulti?“ Ich bevorzuge auch die Ausländer nicht vor den Deutschen, aber ich finde, dass Ausländer hier in Deutschland (Deutschland ist ein Spezialfall, finde ich) eine gemeinsame Identität entwickelt haben, die den vor der deutschen Arroganz schützt. Es ist nicht so einfach Deutsche kennenzulernen. Es gibt immer große Barriere. Sie brauchen (meiner Meinung nach) viel zu lange bis sie dir vertrauen.
Das habe ich für lange Zeit an der Uni erlebt. Ich habe versucht einen Zugang zu den Deutschen Studenten zu haben, aber es war unmöglich. Sie waren super konservativ und uninteressiert (natürlich nicht alle, aber leider viele). Wenn du zur Uni gehst, merkst du, dass die Ausländer mit einander hängen. Warum??? Weil sie keinen Zugang zu den Deutschen hatten. Sie wurden manchmal von den Deutschen unterschätzt (to be
underestimated) und mit Arroganz behandelt. Diese Erfahrung verbindet die und baut ein Solidaritätsgefühl (glaube ich). Ich verstehe unter
„Multkulti“: viele Kulturen, die in einander verschmelzen und einander ergänzen, die eine große Vielfalt (variety) von Ideen und Werte schaffen. Ich finde es überhaupt nicht „seperating“!!! Ich bin auch deiner Meinung, “I believe in making my own separation from scratch - person by person.”, aber ich glaube, dass man den Zugang zu den Ausländern einafcher hat als zu den Deutschen.
6. „The point here is that she can do it. she can make them feel
comfortable and happy in her presence. going around the city with her, i saw the same arrogant people behave totally cool, and friendly with her. no sign of arrogance!! the worst ones too! somehow she is able to give them respect in a way that it returns back to her. or she already has enough respect by herself, and doesnt need to worry about it. She is just inetersted in them somehow, and she is proud of herself enough so as not to have to jump between angel and bitch. She can be a bitch whenever she wants, but mostly she just doesn't need to.” Das ist super interessant. Ich habe das nie so betrachtet. Vielleicht ist diese Arroganz eine gegenseitige Beziehung zwischen uns und den anderen! Vielleicht fühlen wir uns irgendwie unbewusst „minderwertig“ als die Deutschen!!! In Ägypten zum Beispiel, glauben die Leute, dass die Europäer besser und kluger sind als die Ägypter. Sie behandeln sogar die Westler besser als sich selbst. Isn’t that funny??
Vielleicht bin ich nach Deutschland gekommen mit diesem offensiven Denken, dass ich den zeigen will, dass ich genauso gut bin oder sogar besser!!!! Ich weiß es nicht. Es ist sehr schwierig objektiv in diesem Thema zu sein.

Wir sollen darüber mehr sprechen!!

einen großen Kuss, Louloua

Hey LOULOUA!

I shout your name because I feel such a great feeling in my chest from your letter back to me. I might be exaggerating I know that can happen to me, but I must tell you I felt strength. I think of two things. One is that our ideas and feelings, whether they are similar or not, are not new, but the other is that these days its quite a task to bring them up.

I want to ask your permission to publish it as a post in my blog, attached to the one I sent you which I already published.

I think you wrote very beautiful things about Egyptians feeling under-valued or inferior to germans and europians and westerns even unconsciously. I had a similar feeling my whole life, I was some way or another always looking up to the west-europe-america. I had a close relationship with Europe my whole life since my father is from there - the Netherlands. Its weird how these simplistic feelings between people or cultures in the world are really part of you somehow. I remember feeling the looking up to the west and looking down on the oriental and the east within myself and all around me when I lived in Israel. Although my father is proudly in the east, (I have a feeling that he believes more in the east than in the west, even if we do the impossible and look at this without his life as part of the very special and standing-out land of the jews) I still received the hierarchy notion. But there is something else concerning east and west that one may find in Israel between the people. some, and maybe a lot of not westerns: Spanish jews or ones that came from arab countries, and maybe even the newer Russian immigrants, in their own way... but maybe that’s something slightly different... see the more westerns as up-tight, too nervous and mainly as people who have a high level of suspiciousness and hypocrisy, not generous. Taking lots of care not to interfere with the other, afraid to bother, but at the same time not so easy-going about giving. I say all of this just because these are things that I feel inside my own self. It is all quite simplistic. But I take it on myself since those were my notions as a child with no judgment. As a child with no judgment I actually had a funny experience coming back to the old world from 4 intensive years in America - the usa. We first passed through the Netherlands and I remember clearly feeling myself looking down at Europe, I mean at my cousins that live there who were Europe to me. Coming from America my cousins and Europe seemed so small and wimpy. How wimpy, old and stuck in its place Europe and my cousins are, Europe felt dead. A broken record, Ancient history, no life, no desire. Europe is not pushing. I was only going around in Holland, but I felt Europe, or at least the very simplistic feeling that an American feels when he suddenly finds himself anywhere in Europe or in the old world. No one in the states ever gave me any special idea about how Europe is to be seen, but it came to me somehow. Unconscious waves. If I think a bit more about it, a thought comes up to my mind that America wants to kill Europe, it wants Europe dead, like a relic, so they can have everything like a closed package Disney style - very neat, and and no uncertain open ends that America cant stand. Europe is neat too, but not Disney style. maybe heavy serious and even bitter traditional style that was the feeling about Europe. Coming back to Israel after that stop in Holland, it still felt like the old world, but there was life, there was a push. I remember the effect europian music had on Israel, that was suddenly interesting for me, and open ends seemed to be suddenly very attractive. That was the end of the American me.
Those are all probably childish feelings- the arrogance, the inferiority and the rest that go along with them. They need to be there because of history, that’s how I think of it. but it doesn’t matter why. It only matters to me that you can use them. you can use the german arrogance to raise yourself up to a good spotlight in the world: with the german arrogance you catch the attention of more people than with the Egyptian inferiority. You learn to be more valuable in the world, and being valuable is something that gets things going. Then you can connect that spotlight with Egypt, so through you Egypt, or your own personal Egypt - Egypt that is you, can learn to be more proud, to be in eye level with germany. (or at least do something about this inferior notion) Can you imagine? and ask for higher standards where they are wanted. High standards where they can workout well. Maybe even smart high standards, sensitive ones.

I will stop now.

Thank you so much for your answer. Its wonderful. I was going to translate your text into English for people who cant read german, if you let me publish it.

Kissssses
v.

a relationship with an invisible lady

2010-03-04T05:29:00.000-08:00

she doesnt exist, but i know where to find her. if you go to the jewish community building in Oranienburger Strasse, the one with the great dome, the one that occupies half a block of the street's sidewalk with a bunch of guards and a controlled automatic entrance door, on tuesdays in the afternoon, and after you pass the airport style check up as you enter, you should either take the elevator to one of the two 3rd floor buttons (sorry but i never managed to understand which one of them leads to her) or go to your left and find a staircase and try to reach this particular 3rd floor going up those stairs. you will find lots of office like doors and spaces that look the same, maybe this way the invisible lady manages to escape. if you find an entrance with a glass door and after it another glass door that leads to a large carpeted space, enter it and enter the next door. (there are at least two different entrances that look like this, so you will have to see which one is the right one). you will find 3-4 very large desks placed one after the other in a row on one side of the room, taking up an 8th of the space in this unidentified carpeted place. she is the only one there, sitting on the first desk to your right. you have to really try to go up to that desk because its not so easy to see her.
she wears glasses, and she usually doesnt look at you. but there is no other way to reach her other than the way i have just described. she has never given me her name, and when i asked her if i should make an appointment with her, by email or call her before coming, she didnt answer. then, with her mouth half closed she said that i can come next tuesday around the same time.
when you enter, its not so clear how to approach her, since as i said, she doesnt look at you, only at her computer screen. but then she might look at you without saying a word as you stand at quite a distance from her because you still dont know if you are disturbing or not. the closer you get to her, the quicker you slip into this none existing place, and as you start to communicate with her, even without words, you loose existence yourself. but dont worry, because its only temporary, because this non-existence or at least her non-existance depends on a twist of the rules of the existing world. i mean there is a goal - you are supposed to settle some kind of paper matter with her; there is time - you are supposed to leave after you have settled all there was to be settled or after she gives you the feeling that its time for you to leave. there are even references to the existing world and to existing people, only it always feels as though those people and places she is referring you to dont exist. you get this feeling especially since she never gives you a note with the names and addresses to contact those other people and places. and when she does you still dont believe her that they are real. sometimes she might even tell you that what you are looking for is impossible like that time when i asked her where in the jewish community in berlin can i go to to offer my skills, and she said it wasn't possible, and that no one wants to learn english.

going back to how to approach her, the next thing to do is to take one of the 3 free large chairs that are placed around her L shaped desk, you have to do it yourself because she wont gesture you to sit down or to come to her. so there you are sitting with your papers and a small question, and when she turns to you you can ask her what you want. you may ask her if its ok to sit, and if its ok to speak now with her, but as you may already have some kind of impression from her, she will hardly let you know clearly. so then just go on to your main question, or request. in my case i just wanted to let it be known in the jewish community that i have recieved my bachelor degree in education, in case they might find a job for me. so i showed her my diploma papers, and although we both speak hebrew (she is somehow israeli) she said its no good, we will have to translate it into german.
next tuesday was the same. oh, it might be helpful to know that she can change her appearance from bitter to sour to happy looking, but these changes seem to be not in accordance with what you are used to, rather with her own invisible world rules. it may help you to be very strict with her on the matter that you need. you could even shout at her, that might please her and put her at ease. as i was working with her on the translation of my document, i asked her beforehand if her translation is official with the "Beglaubigung" title that i need to present to other german institutions. she answered yes, and immediately took out a bag full of stamps from her desk drawer. she looked at my diploma papers. then i asked her how much will it cost. but she wouldnt answer. her rules, i couldnt do a thing. she took my papers and stamped on them, and i tryed my best to ask her how much will it cost me... alas, she kept rejecting the answer, saying "not much", and "a symbolic price" and continued with her work on my papers.
she said her stamps were the best official ones, including a "Belglaubigung". we settled that i come by next tuesday around the same time, and only then did she say that it will all cost me 20 euros. she smiled. we didnt shake hands.
I did get to be very severe with her though, since i needed my diploma to mention that i have graduated an art college. she started not to go with me on this, and then i told her that if she wont translate as i wish, i wont be able to let her translate it. the fact that this is not clearly written down on my diploma is a sad thing on its own. and a story by itself about the tough as steel secretaries in my art college, that wouldn't change the way its written, and insist that it is clear.

after 1.5 years in germany and a baby, before going away (back to africa?)

2010-03-02T06:25:00.000-08:00

linette - women, black-white, danger in germany, in kenya (3rd world), slums, separating discrimination, colors, relationships, independency, fancy-simple, money, luxury, getting a life, baby. family, religion, whats good and bad- "I haven't killed anyone", friends, men taking control. africa, leaders, bad elephants, big cats.

martin- amazing future-teller story ("please, i'm begging you! Drop the bomb!"), dreams, work at the embassy, family, baby, son, friends. germany, africa, israel. money, luxury. german style (champagne glasses). no fear, slums. god. laws. humanity, the world, politics.

Too bad/ not too bad.

2010-02-28T15:26:00.000-08:00

today I was supposed to be happy. and I managed to be happy!
i keep thinking of carola, and the german pride. im really not good at giving the german arrogant people a family feeling. carola's ability left a strong mark.
One should learn a lesson from Faraj, the boy in "Promises" that had such anger towards the jews-israelies, and quickly changed his feelings to total happiness when he met them, and then to painful longing for the relationship to continue after they had left.
he looked up to them too much.
i probably feel something like that towards those arrogant german people. its not ok, but what should i do? and how will Faraj deal with it?
today i thought of just leaving things as they are. i wont try to fight my feelings of inferiority, but i will live them and breath them and let them be. that way things are calmer... and i really live the moment of this feeling that is hard to accept. i want to feel it. but i will not accept myself to be inferior.
I guess that would be the next experiment. "Let It Be" experiment.

The Eyeing Experiment 4 and Louloua

2010-02-23T13:08:00.001-08:00

Dear Louloua,

I understood you are working at a very similar job to my own job. the job of confronting the people in the streets of Berlin. We both notice the same thing about their gaze, and we both say that this behavior is coming from Germans. Do you think its because we come from neighboring places - Egypt and Israel, that we see this, and that we are so bothered by it?
We both came separately to very similar conclusions about this problem, and we both separately decided to act somewhat similarly: to stare back, not to give in to their arrogance. To be proud of our un-neat aesthetics, of our looseness and carelessness.
you really were affected by those people's arrogance, and you said that you give the same arrogance to them in return. it ends up in not liking each other. you said that it is better to be strong and assertive with people and even to reach a level of bad attitude towards people, than to be nice but weak, and hurt yourself.
I wanted you to know that sometimes I think that this happens to a large number of girls. women. sometimes i think that it is mostly women that experience the jump between the two extremes: giving in too much in the attitude of niceness, and gentleness; and feeling good with ourselves by not giving in, by taking what we want in the attitude of assertiveness that goes into meanness even without noticing it even. angel-bitch.
how sad.
but I wont let the liquid in my body go out in the form of stress. (this i learned from Neloy who told me he understood that tears are stress liquid, seeing tears in this way really makes me not want to produce them)
so so-far you are a better soldier than i am, risking your whole self by deciding to risk being on the "bitch" side. taking care of your own self. and you said the ones that loved you, and who were shocked at the sudden total change - in the end got used to it, and stayed by your side.
i understood that you confront arrogance from up closer than i do. did you say you had to work with such people? the arrogance level in my work is low, but i think i still am having some trouble with it, even though i have worked so hard and achieved some change for the better:
i have much less trouble staring back at the arrogance stare. Yesterday on the train I was standing and an old lady, sadly German, was sitting facing me. she gave me the stare, and this time i really laughed in her face. ok, it was not loud, it was a little gigle, but i couldnt help myself because it was so ridiculous. really funny. she was so neat and everything. in a moment i felt like i was her nightmare - a foreigner, dark, young, careless, her nightmare laughing at her because she cant do anything to me, although she would like either that i was not there or best of all, that i would be humble in her land in such a level that it would hurt me, only then could she feel calm with her place in the world. the place of stepping over someone.
In short I'm getting better at this. really. but there is still more work to be done. I still am shy concerning work. at work, when I shouldn't let someone step on me, even if its not on purpose, you cant expect even your own mother to know if she is stepping on you or not. fuck them all with respect!
respect.
As you know I take care too much not to risk being on the bitch side. I did grow up in an environment that demanded bitchiness, so i learned it, and im really bad at it, because i dont know how to play with it, making it invisible like some very trained people can, but I am no bitch. i was just a little with Katrin, but she didn't notice it, or at least I always flipped myself away from that hopefully fast enough for her not to feel it, and for me not to really be in it. but maybe its best to be strong and even stupid towards others to be able to take care of oneself enough for oneself to truly be able to be an angel. a true angel. or a good person. someone that cares, and that is able to give since that's all he wants to do really.
I don't have bad thoughts about the arrogant Germans unless they are ignorant and hostile towards me beyond my abilities, and then those people are just stupid or handy-caped. I don't prefer foreigners to Germans here in Berlin. its true that I relate more with foreiners here, but i am not a crazy fan of the "Multikulti" thing, because its separating for me,; well everyone separates, but multikuli makes it ready-made for you, and i believe in making my own separation from scratch - person by person. what is multikulti?
I am a fan of people and relationships.
The German arrogance became an interesting challenge for me. I want to see what I can do with it, how a careless and loose style someone that just wants to have fun can stir-up something interesting by combining himself and the arrogant person to produce a new fun creation, one that the German arrogance pushed him to reveal with a new and higher level of pride than ever before, and one that the arrogant person could probably never know otherwise.
like i already once said: i developed the staring back to a version that has the option of starring and after a while also smiling back. sometimes it works against me though because i feel i turn out to be a looser in those times, and that means i didnt do it well. i wasnt smiling directly to the person with total assertiveness and happiness. i didnt make them feel good, or at least confused.
last but not least: Carola Gliksberg.
She is a real inspiration. you should have met her Louloua, while she was here. Like me she also has a Moroccan side. I dont know why I keep mentioning that, but you like to know that about me, right? Me too. I guess I like both sides, but I feel like i have neglected the Marroccan my whole life, at least from my conscious self and I want to bring it out now.
Carola is immediately friends with arrogant germans, its as if she had been raised by them. but she was raised by a slightly different kind of arrogant people - the highly rich Argentinian ones. which might not even be so arrogant, but just very rich and with high life standards. luxury and things like that.
The point here is that she can do it. she can make them feel comfortable and happy in her presence. going around the city with her, i saw the same arrogant people behave totally cool, and friendly with her. no sign of arrogance!! the worst ones too! somehow she is able to give them respect in a way that it returns back to her. or she already has enough respect by herself, and doesnt need to worry about it. She is just interested in them somehow, and she is proud of herself enough so as not to have to jump between angel and bitch. She can be a bitch whenever she wants, but mostly she just doesn't need to. I think. So she is calm in this respect. Thats inspiring!

Keep up the good job, I wish you only fun.
Kiss,
Vered.

My hero is Faraj

2010-02-23T05:31:00.000-08:00

Promises

Remind me to continue on this subject, i came upon a vision of how the tides of violence hate pride resposibility comfort and self-care may probably work out. i have to show this. it starts from the relationship between the twins Yarko and Daniel and Faraj and the rest follows like building blocks.

Flo is great

2010-02-20T03:53:00.000-08:00

Flo loves.

Flo is disscouraged.

Flo is laughing with his friends.

Flo is not coming.

Flo is not calling.

Flo is not coming, Flo won't call either.

Flo is waiting for me.

Flo is worried about his heart.

Flo cares.

Flo doesn't care.

Flo says he doesn't care.

Flo really doesn't care.

Flo wants someone.

Flo is pissed.

and cool.

and irritated.

and cool.

Flo is having lots of fun.

Flo is in deep thought.

Flo + Love = flowers

Flo + Love = Love

Flo + Love = Flo

Flo + Love = you and me

Flo + Love = indescribable snow

Flo + Love = messed up hair

Flo is Love.

You better watch out - I'm your enemy

2010-02-19T11:47:00.000-08:00

I mean it!

Flo lies.

Flo fantasizes.

Flo convinces himself that he doesn't want anything in life anymore.

Flo cant help but want to be great, at least compared to me.

Flo wishes to become a character.

Life has limits.

Spoiled behavior:

You're great
You're worthless
You're great
You're worthless
You're great
You're worthless
You're great
You're worthless
You're stunning
You're worthless
You're stunning
You're worthless
etc.

I told Flo I want to continue the political meetings, and he told me to make one about blogs.

Flo is great.

Last night I didn't have the ability to make people happy.

No words could describe the snow

2010-02-15T11:46:00.000-08:00

Today I discovered I have a crush on a 12 year-old boy. I knew him from before because I've been around the neighborhood babysitting for a year now. I just met him on my way to work, so we were taking the same train. Unbelievably I really felt that awkwardness. I blushed, damnit! Really trying to keep it cool, like a (practecaly) 30 year-old girl is supposed to do - trying to talk about his school... it didnt work! the prophecy had come true: you will be giving yourself away anyways because of body language no one can hide...
So I found myself walking up the street towards work, side by side with my 12 year old crush. We had an awkward too far away from each other distance between us and I was looking at the people walking in the opposite direction facing us. They saw it too, I'm sure, it was probably quite a sight. The snow we were walking on looked ... like no words could describe it to me.

I think I did something

2010-02-14T19:02:00.000-08:00

Maybe this goodbye really worked? I'm taking care of myself now. Not too bad! But - now I'm turning out to be quite selfish and bossy (you can verify this with Katrin), which was actually what I really was all along (ask my sisters). But - I might be this selfish because I never really I hardly took care of myself by myself... so I'm not so good at it, not so flexible, not so relaxed about it, not so smooth... and easy-going. I need practice, some of you might pay the price!! Lets see who can bare with it, and keep the faith in me... I say i have/shall not become a monster and someone who you'd rather not see anymore. I'm just in the driving lessons stage of this more or less new body-vehicle. I bet its like a motorcycle, a kind of unstable, risky and with a high potential of being annoying type of vehicle. I have a degree of annoyance in me, but the thing that saves me from that is my Moroccan gene.

Baby, baby baby, baby baby...
you're in my way, oh baby baby!
and maybe, maybe maybe, maybe maybe...
We'll resonate, oh baby babe.

Baby, baby baby, baby baby...
I don wanna think about this baby!
Just want to shine, oh baby, baby baby...
Its magic time, oh baby babe.

When neighbors cry

2010-02-13T08:53:00.000-08:00

When your neighbor cries. When you hear her/him crying from under your apartment, then you know that people cry. You know then that we, the people, cry.

Katrin says: Jemand hat geweint.

Das ist immer tragisch

I can see/ at the peak before the fall

2010-02-12T14:49:00.000-08:00

How can it be that someone who was your love and friend, who was your family. How can someone like that become your enemy? a stranger? soooo strange.
I see clearly now. I see. I can see. but I'm about to become ill. I'm at a peak, I must fall now. I'm ready.

Was it me who made this happen? was it I who made the perception be unjust? Am I false? Do I appear not like I'm supposed to appear? Am I a stranger? An enemy??? No! not an enemy! Oh lord, help me be blind, let me stay blind until the time when this reality will be far far away.

Hard time saying good-bye

2010-02-09T11:46:00.000-08:00

Why do I hurt?
thats important to say.

Oh love
Oh Argentina
Oh having fun in life

all this i'm loosing.

What is love for me: calmness

What is Argentina for me:

My god, this must be long. First thing I knew about Argentina, was that there are a lot of Jewish immigrants from there who came to live in Israel. they always seemed like second-rate Spanish people to me, because my mom comes from Spain, (ok, that's false - she comes from Morocco, but she always accented that she was Spanish, and her family did have a close relationship with Spain) and already from a very early age I adopted that feeling towards the Argentinian immigrants. I remember my father always preferring their Spanish accent to the Spanish one, but that didn't count because he, not being of any Spanish background, couldn't be right. usually the Argentinian Jews seemed to me to be not such city people. they seemed calm, much calmer than my mother's Spanish family. cooler, more hippie. they usually lived in the suburbs or in small settlements or kibbutz, lots of them seemed to live more in the nature part of Israel. The Argentinian guys always seemed to wear checkered, kind of farmer shirts, kind of unbuttoned at the chest. Gray chest haired medium sized men with free curls... loose. My mom couldn't mix with them so easily although they had a language in common.
Then I met my first Argentinian friend -Tamara, in high school. She was born there but she grew up in a kibbutz, and I met her when she already moved out of the kibbutz, and into a settlement in the east. Her house was Argentinian - loose decorations -nonchalantness, and pride. Proud of Argentina. and of Palermo in Benos Aires. Believing in her great Argentinian creative talent, which is great nonetheless, but maybe she is an extreme, but I just didn't know others besides her.
10 years later I met her cousin diego. That was something like fresh air, and lots of enthusiasm coming from Buenos Aires. He was gonna get tel-aviv to go down on its knees, and show me the power of originality and of the whole world. Argentinians are original and fresh. I got closer to the Argentinian thirst for creativity and shine. Reading original philosopher's books and looking at original works, instead of always the copy of something, or the book about the book about an original philosopher and such. Young creative people there take things seriously and freely into their hands.
Then there was a visit to Buenos Aires. south america seemed to be the land of the lost dinosaures to me; the nature felt much wilder than it is in the old-world. The Argentinian version of small regular sparrows was something at least double the size, slower in movement and with remarkable big monster feet. Something was making a crazy monotonous sound that never stopped. A dinosaur cricket or something...
Got to meet more of diego and Tamara's family, which seemed to be a continuation of the Argentinians I knew, but in a very different context (Buenos Aires, and the hectic Argentinian economy) that made them seem more alive. It made me think that a lot of Argentinians that came to Israel were somewhat depressed, and taken out of context.. although the kibbutz seemed to suit them pretty well.
Then I got to meet diegos friends. All seemed sweet and struggling. Enthusiastic and struggling. Cool and struggling, struggling and reaching, all the time reaching toward something. A lot were like that. I think I had a very brief first impression, but there was a whole world there. I think I hardly saw any of it. I got to see some part of the outer-skirts of the city - where Maca lives. I remember it at night, quieter than the city, also the life was quieter there. It was opening itself up to a mix with poorer people who seemed to be taking things more easy. Their easiness was not so similar to the looseness of the Argentinians I knew back in Israel.
In Buenos Aires there were lots of different new-age kind of things: Macrobiotics, Buddism, Suffism, love relationship experiments. Actually, come to think of it: love relationships in Buenos Aires seemed never to be stable - they too were in struggle, and no security. To me it seemed kind of hectic.
Oh yeah, and there were the Rollingas. An Argentinian youth style and attitude that was in some way or another inspired by the rolling stones. I kind of liked them. They seemed like fun, but also a bit threatening, don't know why.
I met Maca. dana (finally) and Carola (and nico?), Fran Diego Quio and people arround them. All kids.
I always felt there was something big happening around them, but when I was there I didnt find anything like that. It seemed that bottom line there wasn't anything big happening, but still people had some energy, they were restless. I probably just didnt understand anything.

dana joined us - the berlin group, not much longer than a year ago and I got to feel more argentinian hype and enthusiasm. Later she was telling me more and more stories about her home-land, and it became a dream land to me. People moving, and coming and creating, lots of inspiration and desire. And lots of people.
Now there are vibes from there. Its hot, its raining. People don't stop being inspired and enthusiastic in the new world. carola came and left. I'm not sure I'm into so much superficiality as she says she and her friends have there, but some of it I wouldn't mind having at all!
Modern. Violent. Carola likes modernity and violence. The new world is striving for modernity. There is magic there, and sensitivity. Its a long way from here. I shall loose Argentina. How am I going to do it all by myself, anyways? Its a dream.

Oh and I must say that now I prefer the Argentinian accent to other accents, I especialy like the different local BsAs ones, i guess there is a number of them. I especially like Argentinian accent in English. Oh another thing: I dont know if I'm inventing this, but I was feeling that as a Latin country - it has more rock than others.

What is having fun in life for me:

Having a stable back from which I can have fun. No stable back - no fun. I have some stable back, but a big part of it is not there, I have to prepare it. It seems like a rough job - i have to prove myself by my self. i guess this is the farthest point yet in life in my free rein. I kind of didnt mean to get there, but now it looks as if I couldn't have not gone there. Help me Lord!

Trying it out for the second time:
I don't know if I have reached my goal. good-bye

Good-bye

2010-02-09T08:11:00.000-08:00

Its enough. I have to stop this. I am too emotional, and its no good, it's why I have to do this. I'll spare myself the slow death, that is actually becoming not so painful. I wonder if I can still be around you without crying. Does this really need to happen? All I need is not to be emotional, and whatever should happen will happen. Right now it seems as though there is no other way to change this but to wave good-bye. How else do you do it? yes, the main goal now is to change this totally. how?

People can't take this anymore.

first experiment at change: saying good-bye.
I dont know if I have reached my goal. good-bye.

porno

2010-02-06T18:31:00.000-08:00

some war movies can make me feel like eating people.

love 4

2010-02-06T17:49:00.000-08:00

i wont stop! you deserve everything! please see that you deserve so much. unless you dont want to, and that would be sad, but you have the right not to want to deserve. you are the one that is making me love you so much. Don't tell me that you are manipulating me, that you are hurting me, and that in this way I'm going crazy for you. i'll fight others to let you see that i care the most about you. i'll stick by you through the hardest times. of course i cant allow myself to feel like dirt, i also dont deserve it. we both deserve to be treated with respect. that is something to be expected. i want to work together. i want to be partners in what we do. i almost feel like we are. maybe we already are. what are we? how would you like me to call you? couples doesnt work for you. how about the greatest love in the world? i want to be the greatest love in the world with you. and for you the greatest lovers. others may come and go, and stay but there is no reason why anyone will take me away from you, unless you want it, or unless you dont want me, or you were taken away by someone... with you i really feel like i'm on-the-top-of-the-world. i'm learning to feel like that on my own, but with you at least i can say that it feels like double on-the-top-of-the-world. that deserves some credit. and if you dont feel like that i will give you this feeling. and if you dont want it, then for sure it wont be so strong. maybe that is really what you want...? not to ever make anything big, or huge. to leave it quite and simple, so it wont have the threat of being demanding. go around many different people, all simply and quietly and take a little from here and there all the time, and then also remain free and mobile. not comitted. but what if you deserve more than that? what happens when someone (that you appreciate a lot, and that you believe in their power as you more or less say) really loves you so much that you can really see how you will end up only making amazing things? slowly and carefully go past the fear of having things demand from you. try it out... it probably takes time to see it work out well. Carola said she would prefer to be with someone and not make love at all. is it so boring? is it something Argentinian, this kind of relationship to the body? no. it happened to me too once. but that was when i really didnt want to express love, also because love was hardly there, and also because I couldnt stand the guy. argentinian relationship to the body. but for me its not body, its love. but i want it to be love. and love is expressed in this way very well, like magic (you need magic like that once in a while)... sometimes there is a bit of body, and only after a while love comes, but it comes. and it is different than other activities in life, because it is special, if only just a little, and it has the wish in it to express love, and that is important. maybe my body, or me, is naive that it wants to do this, and that it wants to do this with you. its almost as if you are better off without this magic, because then you have your work, and you prefer to make magic in your work than to have it only privately with your love. but what if we make a revolution and we combine them both? how can we get the love magic to push us and our work that is so important to us, instead of just staying comfortable and bored with it privately? what can make things grow? everything grow?

dare to make fun of me

To Carola

2010-02-04T03:06:00.000-08:00

Fassbinder's Angst essen Seele auf needed/needs your Fractales.

Fassbinder, Gliksberg and Diego Chamy makes (amazing) sense

2010-02-02T08:07:00.000-08:00

Diego Chamy vocals and exchanging author pencils in Carola Gliksberg's

Fractales

early short film.

Its an Argentinian film that has something to do with Fassbinder's

Angst essen Seele auf

You got a German who is actually an Argentinian of (luxurious) German roots as the character that mirrors the degraded Arab working foreigner in Germany. Both Ali and its mirrored character are exotic and attractive and attract attention. For Carola a very important point to show the world is the point about beautiful fancy people. In the German Angst essen Seele auf, the love is hard to accept: it happens between a 60 year old aunty who naturally does not look like a model, and who comes from a not at all fancy working class, and a rejected young masculine Arab foreign worker - thats the movie made in Central fancy europian Germany. Carola coming from the more third world country (with some kind of fancy traces from the past and from its spanish-italian longing for the memory of fancy former home europe) is placing fancy super upper class models as the same characters. This is quite needed in the world. The spotlight must place Fassbinder's socially rejected people and Carola's socially highly attractive people on the same level. This is really quite needed in the world. And its best when Fassbider's German version is answered in Gliksberg's way from such a place as Argentina. But there is a completely different goal that is taking a ride on this film. Chamy is making totally different sense here. In the middle of things. His sense feels like infinity. I told him that to me sense feels like infinity, and that I want to feel infinity. Perhaps Carola, among other things like fashion and modernity, is going towards some kind of infinity too, one that is aesthetic. But still its not the same. Also Katrin said Diego's part was a key part, a change. It is the summery of the movie. But its also something else. I think its love.

Love for David; his point and the art of arguing.

2010-02-01T16:46:00.001-08:00

I dont like to make a complete difference between people. The limit between one guy to the next is never that clear anyways. Where does one person stop and the next person start? Is this a hippie thing to say?
obviously its clear. one person is one person. you can see it with your eyes. look up and down and side to side. you see air and then a person and then air again. people are not mixed. there is air around them. or space or something like that, that is separating them one from the other. What else is there? Nope for me its pretty much mixed. Its also like this -one person is one person, but its also mixed. Yep.
I like both.
I take what suits me from both.
David is a genius. he is a genius at arguing too. or at winning. When I write about David, David is there. No he is not, because I am making a mistake and saying wrong things. I am taking someone and writing amazingly wrong things about them. someone. Does David have a clear point or does it change? What is David's point? Its never clear enough. Its always very certain but there is always room for an Olympic level of spectacular flexibility. And somehow that's the reason why I don't get it. Its that spectacular. I think a lot of times its just about winning, which is totally fine. But there is also a point. There is a point there is a point there is a point. Ok. I'm one of those people that wants to get David's point. Its not so intelligent to want this because the point is not in trying to get his point. Look everyone, David's point is sensational. hi world im dana the emperor

That was Dana. Love for Dana.

Still talking about some kind of a point: We want an empire, maybe two. but it needs to be smart. Imagine how that can be. I have to ask David, and then settle it with Dana.

The Power of Diego Chamy

2010-01-29T16:18:00.000-08:00

Three girls are sleeping in the house, there are four in Diego's apartment. He is renting it but he's not there. One is sleeping in my bed, another is sleeping in the so called working room and the third is sleeping on the other mattress in the living room next to the one where the fourth girl will sleep on.

The girls are dreaming of lots of nice things they like: pictures, films, music, cooking, looks, styles, clothes, models, shops, disco clubs, mothers, quality, drugs, health, love, love, love.
watching the films The Band's Visit, Saint Clara, Ziggi Stardust
looking at fotos of people and places.
taking fotos of themselves, and of the house.
checking out the more recent indie music, David Bowie's 70s rock songs, Israeli 90's music (from Saint Clara's soundtrack album), sad music like Nick Drake and songs from The Brown Bunny, Arabic music, Abdel H.H.
having lots of inspiration with cooking
smoking a little, drinking a little
drawing a little
talking about a new and suddenly curiously attractive subject: is it luxury? No, I think it is "high society". Life and things, ok luxury, that are around high society. And how to do something about (or with) it. Not even by saying anything, the question is there hovering. The girls are flirting with it. Finding out where they can feel good with it, wondering where does it suit them, what they can take from it, what they can do with it; some are trying to accept things - accepting high society and luxury, and seeing what happens. Some have more experience with it and are seeing it from another point of view. They are connecting with this question and trying it out for themselves.
talking about styles - the imagination and desires of the 90s that we found in Saint Clara and that seem to be nowhere to be found nowadays, (Argentinian) models' and artists' life style and emerging stars' life style or something like that.
talking about themselves - their fears, their ache, their troubles, their efforts. Also dreams.

Turning or tuning themselves towards love. Moving in the direction of love, walking together holding each other on the way to love. What will happen when they get there? Will they separate? Does this truly have to do with desire? Can they do something together? Shall they become one idea, one that they fixed and managed to reduce to the fine point that each of them is contributing to in the search for it? Its not just them, is it?
Tomorrow they visit the Chanel boutique together. I swear its part of the revolution.

The Political Meeting

2010-01-24T18:49:00.001-08:00

Finally meeting all those old time guy-friends a lot of them all at once plus the lovely Wiebke. I want to get better at this. I mean at being around the old-time guy friends all at once.

Leo was looking very well and taken care of. I felt very proud.
Flo was looking as if he had come back from the wilderness, and was prepared to continue to live in wilderness.
Diego was wearing a nice shirt and jacket.
Farzad I've seen too often lately, which is a good thing.
David is not into political meetings probably at all, but maybe only of this kind. And neither is Fred.
Martino was cool and sensitive. I miss his friends, they were not there.
The Diego was satisfied with just sending hello to everyone, and making a somewhat, if only just minor affective invisible presence.
Neloy is more or less new to me, Tim too. I' not sure they are into politics. They were not there.
Two more guys were there.

I must get better and overcome the guy inner circle. Gazal could do it, I have to figure this out. Be loud, tease and tease. Not me; she also had unbelievable sparkling energy. I have to find a way to introduce my own abilities. Sahar is not that bad at it; she just doesn't have a problem, or so it seems... and she is very attentive. Instead, I just freak out by feeling not interesting in the discussion. Lovely Wiebke is managing somehow... I dont know if she cares that much about it. Somehow I dont have a very clear picture at how Dana gets a long. But she sure is quick. You'll never find her even tripping. And anyways, she is making the mainly girls group, which I am proud to be part of and to contribute initiatives and more girlfriends. (So far I only have other girlfriends).

Martin and Linette are officially Father and Mother and the baby is Ameen. Their home is like a mother's womb to me.

I will go watch The Brown Bunny and hopefully end the Vincent Gallo issue. And learn the last lessons I need to learn from him.

Don't be scared of Carola

2010-01-22T15:59:00.000-08:00

Carola is supposed to be coming any day now.
It seems that no one really knows when. Even when directly asked, they go around the question.
No one says anything about it. Carola is an "Untitled" work of art.

Someone said she's a Diva.

Its true that she has never talked or contacted me about coming here. Its all arranged for her by others. Carola the diva.

The feeling is of great gratitude and awe that she may stay at your place.

Here is the scene to be expected: Dana calls after disappearing for a curious number of days. You have been waiting ready to receive Carola into your house for days, and just when you think its been too long, I wont even get to see her - Dana will sms you, saying that tonight Carola will sleep in your place, we are coming over at 10pm after dinner. Nothing is expected of you. Just not to bother her. She gets a copy of the house keys so she wouldn't have to have anything to do with you. She gets your bed in your bedroom, so she wouldn't have to be in the middle of your house's shared life that is in the living room (where you spend your most of your time). Ok, so you prefer to sleep in the living room because you want to keep your shared life in the living room instead of risking to give it all away to Carola. Although this is also quite a dilemma because you don't want her to feel bored to death and leave her in a boring place in the house (your bedroom), and then also loose the chance to get close to the phenomenon that she is. Because she wont feel comfortable. She wont like the kind of life you have there in your living room. She will be bored of you. She might not even show it, to spare you the shame (but mainly just so as not to be bothered by it).
"que'l enui"

The fear is that the Carola will make your life feel pathetic. That as a character that is washed by the worldwide intensive(?) color of her huge aura, you will seem unimportant and uninteresting. I guess its the same as on the streets and on the dance floor. You just have to find what makes you feel good. Some people give the example of dogs. Be a dog, act like a dog does. A dog that does not feel ashamed.

Maybe you should go a lot to yoga before she comes, so the feeling of your body's potency will still linger when she comes.

She'll be coming 'round the mountain when she comes.
She'll be coming 'round the mountain when she comes.
She'll be coming 'round the mountain,
She'll be coming 'round the mountain,
She'll be coming 'round the mountain when she comes.

She'll be driving six white horses when she comes.
Whoa back!
She'll be driving six white horses when she comes.
Whoa back!
She'll be driving six white horses, she'll be driving six white horses,
She'll be driving six white horses when she comes.
Whoa back!

Oh, we'll all go out to meet her when she comes.
Oh, we'll all go out to meet her when she comes.
Oh, we'll all go out to meet her, we'll all go out to meet her,
We'll all go out to meet her when she comes.

She'll be wearing red pajamas when she comes.
Scratch, scratch.
She'll be wearing red pajamas when she comes.
Scratch, scratch.
She'll be wearing red pajamas, she'll be wearing red pajamas,
She'll be wearing red pajamas when she comes.
Scratch, scratch.

She will have to sleep with Grandma when she comes.
She will have to sleep with Grandma when she comes.
She will have to sleep with Grandma,
She will have to sleep with Grandma,
She will have to sleep with Grandma when she comes.

She'll be coming 'round the mountain when she comes.
She'll be coming 'round the mountain when she comes.
She'll be coming 'round the mountain,
She'll be coming 'round the mountain,
She'll be coming 'round the mountain when she comes.

Where is the interesting place in this situation? Guess you can't tell until she comes. Hope to find some fun, and don't forget your own abilities.

I expect care

2010-01-20T20:10:00.000-08:00

I expect care

.

Jaffa

2010-01-20T19:42:00.000-08:00

Saji Himel from Ajami Jaffa (a place where Jews and Arabs live or lived side by side) says:

Lo savalnu meha'anashim, savalnu mehatofaot.

We didn't suffer from the people, we suffered from the effects.

"The killed ones from Jaffa"

Tuesday

2010-01-19T18:11:00.000-08:00

Hey aba,

What’s up?

I want to ask if you got any mail from my college recently. They are supposed to send my diploma and grades all translated to English to you.

I’m going around with the camera everywhere I go now. Of course I am still no good with the light. I am using it manualy, and I try to adjust the speed for the right amount of light and work with the white ball adjustments for the colors.
I am confronting as many people as I can with the camera. Its not easy. So far there are no good enough results... but the experience is really something for me now. Sometime I feel its lame; like today for example, I took a foto of this guy waiting for the train. Its kind of a good opportunity to take pictures when people are waiting for the train, cause then you get them standing still, and you have a moment to fix things with the camera. I felt he was bored having me taking his foto. The day before I was at a mall, its called the Alexa, its at Alexander Platz, remember? Well, this mall is only commercial, and the atmosphere is very gray and I get to feel painfully bored with the consuming feeling. Especially on my own. I tried taking pictures there. I felt I had to ask for permission to take the photos, and I did. I couldn’t do it for long though.. a lot of people seemed to be quite bitter. Maybe because I mainly went after the salespeople. A lot were bitter from work. After the mall I went down to the train station to take the train back home. The waiting for the train situation. I took a foto of this lady. I just placed myself in front of her with the camera and took 2 shots. She was very much disturbed and went away with her bike. That was quite a lame situation I created. Next came and stood another woman at the same spot where the first one was. I told myself I have to do it again. I have to see what happens again. I don’t know why I have this urge. Maybe its to prove to myself that something interesting can happen? Maybe I just got hooked on the thrill of overcoming my insecurity? Out of such things lameness can definitely take over. I placed myself again in front of this lady, but this time I didn’t put the camera on my face, I just held it up close to my chest and smiled at her. She smiled back, we smiled together and slowly I took the camera up to my face and took one gentle shot; I put the camera back down to my chest and smiled gratefully at her, stepped aside and went back to the position of waiting for the train. Although the picture is not interesting enough, I did feel afterwards the possibility of something that can happen that I would like. Meanwhile I try to stick to the same approach – step in front of a person, smile at him and see how it goes, see if I can take a picture or not. I did this today, some of the times felt forced… but others were not too bad, people were smiling :) . I worry I look like a hippy, a lame one. My friend Martin, the one that works in the German embassy told me I have an alternative lefty look. I have to watch out. I had two braids on the sides today, you know – one line in the middle separating the hair in two, and each part made into a braid that hangs a bit behind each ear. Here in Germany my hair looks neglected. I try to be proud of it, but its just not right. I’ll get a haircut.

Kisses.

Vincent Gallo

2010-01-18T16:49:00.000-08:00

I like driving. I'm in my car, and I'm all alone, or I'm in my car and I'm being blown, driving alone or being blown. I get some gas, I get some ass, and no one with me is smoking grass, and if I want to I sure can pass. Drivin' drivin' all alone, with no one no one on my back. Just me alone me alone, in my big black Cadillac.

I just wanted to see how his words look like in my blog.

(el) individualismo = individualism

2010-01-18T03:55:00.001-08:00

All of my doubts are true
All of my beliefs are true too.
I couldn't have said this without love.

Tim

2010-01-17T15:34:00.000-08:00

Tim said...

We all want to be a punk like Dana.
Just find your own rhythm, it's more fun when you don't care about how you look.

The beginning of a beautiful friendship

2010-01-17T14:56:00.000-08:00

I want to be a punk like Dana

Between You and Francisca Ruff.

I tried to post it on your blog, but it seems you need to have a profile to do so. So this is my humble opinion:

I think you live to much in your head and sometimes that can be tricky.

I had the same problem for quite a while. You see, I love dancing but every time I went out my head was in between. I hated it so much. I became too aware of myself and the people around me. I compared myself constantly with others and criticized myself pretty bad, watching others moving better than I did. And all my dancing got stiff and I got moody and lost any kind of fun.

Dancing doesn't match with rationality. You can not dance with your head. There is no way around it. If you think you loose it. The energy comes from somewhere else.

Back then, I started to watch people who danced pretty bad, totally off the beat, but with such an energy, fun and confidence that all I wanted to be part of their own fun. It made me really jealous that they could be so into it. And then I got it: they just simply don't care. And that's when my head stopped talking and I could let my body try to figure out the rest. Only then can you become playful with yourself and the others.

I'm not a great dancer, and what I know is a mix of my own movements with what I have "stole" from other people. Dance clubs are sometimes the best teachers. I pick up someone else's move, let my body kind of chew it for a while until it starts coming out in a whole other style, my own one.

xx

Francisca,
I like what you wrote so much! I'm posting it in the blog without telling you first.

I want to be a punk like Dana.

2010-01-16T20:48:00.000-08:00

We finally went out dancing. In a real club or discotheque. A gay one. A lot of us really liked seeing the boys kissing. At least I know this from the girls.
There were the bunch that work at the Soluna bakery: Dana, Tim (an Australian boy) and Francisca; Katrin my flatmate and Neloy a sweet guy who is from India and is breaking practicality all the rules of Hinduism, and is a great singer. They are all sweet. Louloua was there for dinner, but she grew tired before we went out, and we didn't get to meet up with Sahar after dinner to go out dancing. Its the second time in a row that I miss to go out dancing with Sahar.

Here I start jotting down some very embarrassing thoughts that ruined dancing for me. All I want to do is to put them down and get rid of them, but I have a feeling they are not easy to get rid of.

I was fine and having lots of fun until I started comparing myself with others.
I started comparing myself with Dana, Katrin, Francisca, Neloy and Tim.
In the beginning I felt I was dancing better than everyone, and I wanted to find fun and do more crazy stuff on the dance floor with them and with other strangers. Very quickly I felt that they were all dancing better than I was.
Katrin was dancing really nice; she was so loose and fun! she seemed to have quite a wide range and different styles of body movements. I explained to myself that its because she goes out dancing on a regular basis, and her dream is really to be a dancer, and although she is German, she has somehow something southern in her moves and also generally, some kind of fun and looseness.
Francisca looked like she was having loads of fun. There was a moment when I danced next to her that I felt as though I was dancing very similar to her: sort of massive dance, or just very similar movements, and that confused me because suddenly I felt uncomfortable to be dancing like her. Thats when I started not being able to dance anymore, I tried to dance differently, with a different energy, and I lost it.
Once I lost it it seemed to me that no one was really interested in dancing with me. Truth is, that I didn't do it myself, but this became more and more of a big deal.
Neloy was having fun and Tim was fun too.
Dana was making small movements and getting confused with the beat. I looked at her in the beginning and felt I wanted to have more fun with her, but I couldnt manage it, and that made me feel awkward. I still suffer when I feel awkward. Its annoying.
After a while I looked and saw Dana dancing really nicely, small movements and punkish, and I found myself dancing very boring forced "gray mouse" movements. Its amazing how much I felt unable to move!
Well besides thinking of myself, and comparing myself, there was this older guy who was drunk, so I was told... I really liked his movements. He didn't dance to the beat at all, he made some illustrations of the music coming up to others and sticking his tongue out, which was disturbing, and stretching out his hand and arm zombie-like towards Francisca's hair and neck to the sound of Thriller. Whenever he tried something with me it would never work well since I just stopped whatever I was doing to watch him in amazement. Not cool.

I want to be a punk like Dana.

Things that bring me back down to Earth

2010-01-15T19:14:00.000-08:00

Is it possible?
Is there such a place as Earth?
What if I don't want there to be an Earth?
If Earth is taking step by step, to leap is what I want, and to have no sense. perhaps make one huge leap that will take a long time to make. I want to feel confident, there is a fear of loosing because I don't take care of myself so well in this world.

The film Honey Bunny

2010-01-14T17:05:00.000-08:00

Dear Diego,

I'm watching now Vincent Gallo's short film "Honey Bunny". I'm watching it a million times. I cant stop watching it. I imagine having the bought version of this and screening it everyday. Living with it. But I can't wait, I already want to tell you how I feel.

It almost makes me cry. Its very sad. I'll put it on every night to have my regular dosage of tears come out.
Why is it so sad? Is it because you can never really have something? The girls. Why is it so depressing? Is it because nothing can really happen? Or is it this that is happening? Is it some disillusion feeling? The disillusion of love? Is it beauty trying to reach something, but it can never really stop reaching? Is this on and on thing really wanted? Am I very very naive? Is there something I have to get?

My eyes are going back inside, my body is turning into waves, my head is reacting to its place and beyond it and before it. Those girls. Its scary. I'm more naive than this. The deep aesthetics of darkness.

What do I do with it?

The girls are not sad. They are dark-happy to make you sad, to keep things this way, and this is wanted. Is this desire? Really, is this desire?

I'm impatient.

The Hard Times

2010-01-14T04:11:00.000-08:00

This is more or less it.